Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Freelance Piracy

Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride, 1987. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time. Freelance Piracy marchmatron.com
Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride, 1987

Freelance piracy might not be a career of choice because we can't all be the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Comments stolen from Carlos Mencia stand up and loosely paraphrased by me:
The Somali pirates are not really pirates because . . .

Colorized publicity photo of Douglas Fairbanks and Billie Dove in The Black Pirate, 1926. Freelance Piracy marchmatron.com
Douglas Fairbanks and Billie Dove in The Black Pirate, 1926
to be pirates you need to have a pirate ship . . .
Publicity photo of Captain Peter Blood, 1936. Errol Flynn with a crooked smile and an enormous feather in his hat. Freelance Piracy marchmatron.com
Errol Flynn as Captain Peter Blood, 1936
not a blow-up raft with pontoons.
Publicity photo of Burt Lancaster in The Crimson Pirate, 1952. Burt looking sassy in bright stripped leggings and gold belt. Freelance Piracy marchmatron.com
Burt Lancaster in The Crimson Pirate, 1952 
When the Somali pirates did manage to take an American hostage, the US responded with millions of dollars of military equipment.
Publicity photo of The Unknown, 1926.  A young Joan Crawford in an exaggerated and risque pirate costume. Freelance Piracy marchmatron.com
Joan Crawford in The Unknown, 1926 
The US could have saved millions of dollars.
Publicity photo of swashbuckler Jean Lafitte in The Buccaneer, 1958. Yul Brynner posing in tights with a thin mustache. Freelance Piracy marchmatron.com
Yul Brynner as Jean Lafitte in The Buccaneer, 1958
Just send one American . . . 
Ted Hamilton as The Pirate King in The Pirate Movie, 1982. Costumed with an oversized and jeweled codpiece. Freelance Piracy marchmatron.com
Ted Hamilton as The Pirate King in The Pirate Movie, 1982
who can throw a dart . . .
Publicity photo of Tyrone Power in The Black Swan, 1942. Tyrone, as Captain Jamie Waring with stylized pirate elements. Freelance Piracy marchmatron.com
Tyrone Power in The Black Swan, 1942
really, really far.
Robert Newton as Long John Silver and Bobby Driscoll as Jim Hawkins in Treasure Island, 1950. Freelance Piracy marchmatron.com
Robert Newton as Long John Silver in Treasure Island, 1950

In 2011, according to the International Maritime Bureau, Somali piracy cost the world economy $7 billion and earned the pirates some $160 million in ransoms.

Robert de Niro, the crossdressing Lightning Pirate, Captain Shakespeare in Stardust, 2007. De Niro caught by his crew in a flirty dress dance. Freelance Piracy marchmatron.com
Robert de Niro as the Lightning Pirate, Captain Shakespeare in Stardust, 2007
Someone might want to take a look those numbers but keep in mind, 18 U.S.C. §1657 makes it a federal crime to consult with a known pirate so keep your lawyer in the loop. 

#Pirate #OldHollywood


Other stories of ocean navigation:

Cross Sea

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