Friday, May 5, 2017


Step-Gate . . . coincidence or conspiracy?

How Trump is changing human ambulation. 

It is somewhat unusual to have a two story home in the Phoenix suburbs because there is only so much hot air that can be cooled, dispersed or profaned at . . . something that my electric company is happy to point out every month.

After working with older people who have had a fall, or several falls, or who have a high risk of falls, I typically spend the 15 seconds from stair tread to stair landing contemplating my bone density, the earliest my dead and mangled body would be found, and if I could train the dogs to seek help.

It was probably inevitable that my stair maneuvering deficiency led to my left foot pointing in the wrong direction and a nice ride with the helpful paramedics.

While one incident does not a conspiracy make, I'm beginning to think this wasn't an isolated event.

President Gerald Ford, 1975 

Aside from a few spectacular falls, Ford was very athletic. He played football at the University of Michigan and was the JV Cheerleading coach while he was in Yale law school. He was the only president who earned an Eagle Scout and he was a male model.

President Ford made a cameo appearance on Saturday Night Live.

Chevy Chase incorporated prat falls in his Saturday Night Live impersonation. Ford did NOT send out 15 million postcards saying: Saturday Night Live is the worst. Not funny, cast is terrible, always a complete hit job. Sad!

President Ronald Reagan, 1984

Ronald Reagan slipped on the wet steps of Air Force One. He caught himself with one hand and waved to the crowd. Previous to that incident, Regan was saved from a fall by Gerald Ford. Arriving for the dedication of Ford's presidential museum, Reagan stumbled on the top step of Air Force One. Ford was able to grab his arm and escort him safely down the steps.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, 2011
While traveling to Yemen, Clinton tripped walking into the plane. If Fox "News" is to be believed, the fall obviously resulted from secret health issues, so serious that she probably would be dead prior to election day . . . or possibly the incident was a form of covert communication from our alien overloads. Hard to say.

Vice President George H.W. Bush, 1989

George H.W. Bush in an attempt to present himself as both relatable and likeable, he decided to hit the local bowling lanes. Unfortunately he had a spectacular fall in full view of the media.

Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole, 1996

During a campaign rally, Dole leaned over the stage to shake hands with supporters. The railing at the edge of the stage was more decorative than functional and at age 73 he fell to the ground. 

Pre one newspaper account, his fall was cushioned in part by the front row photographers.

Vice President-elect Al Gore, 1992

While attending an election victory celebration, Gore leaded out to embrace Jim Carville. A quick thinking Secret Service agent saved him from complete disaster. 

If the agent's calm facial expression is anything to go by, this may have been part of a prior training exercise.

Pre-nomination Vice Presidential Running Mate
Carly Fiorina, 2016

During a brief and ill conceived partnership, Fiorina introduced Cruz at a rally and then vanished from view. Cruz glanced down, presumably to look at his prone VP, and surged ahead to shake hands. Heidi Cruz circumvented the crowd and helped the VP candidate get on her feet.

Trump, in an attempt to look less creepy, weighed in. "Cruz didn’t do anything. Even I would have helped her. "

British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, 1985

Back to Step-Gate . . .

still somewhat nebulous but there are a few more conspiratorial developments.

Jason Chaffetz, Representative (R-UT)
Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Governmental Reform.

You probably recognize this happy scooting boy. 

Chaffetz, the tireless warrior against all things Clinton and the tireless deflector against all things Trump, is apparently picking up his marbles and going home.

However, in a final (we hope it is final) act of obsequious Trump butt kiss, he scooted his way back to DC after having surgery on his pre-existing medical condition to ensure that insurances would no longer have to pay for surgery on pre-existing conditions.

Response from mom with critically ill son:
My son cost nearly 5,000 brand new iPhones before he ever came home from the hospital.

Part of the statement released by Chaffetz:
Almost 12 years ago, I shattered several bones in my foot which required 14 screws and a metal plate to repair. Yes, I wish I could say I was cliff diving in Mexico but the truth is I fell off a ladder while repairing something in my garage.

Don't let the "ladder" fool you, Chaffetz must be a key player if he was involved in Step-Gate 12 years ago.

Which leads us to the Step-Gate front man . . . 

President Obama, not the front man but I'm getting there, did a confident, rails-free jog when maneuvering stairs. No public falls but he did have one slight wobble which fed Fox "news" for weeks.

Trump, the expert in both presidential behavior and biomechanics tweeted:

Who knew trump was secretly envious of Obama's ability to confidently ascend/descend a flight of stairs Shawn @SirFunktastic

Trump is a strong man threatened by: Refugees, germs, CNN reporters, Saturday Night Live, Meryl Streep, democracy, and possibly, stairs. ✔@JosephScrimshaw

So Mr. Elegant, how you doing on the stairs? 

Trump forgetting he has a wife. 

It would appear that, going up or down the stairs to Air Force causes Donald Trump to forget he has a wife. However, an international etiquette expert explained the traditional rule of etiquette for descending stairs.

"When a man and woman are coming down the stairs the man would go before her. The logic being that if she trips or falls, the man (generally being larger or stronger) would be in a position to catch her."

Trump forgetting he has a wife and a kid.

That being said, does it reduce Melania's risk of injury if he is already on the tarmac while she is in mid-decent? I'm also unsure how boarding the plane well ahead of the First Lady would cushion a fall. 

Is the international stair etiquette expert you found named Kellyanne? 

Even more odd . . . 

Trump and British PM Theresa May, holding hands before heading down a slope near the White House.

According to The Times: 

"Downing Street officials claimed the president’s phobia of stairs and slopes led him to grab the prime minister’s hand as they walked down a ramp at the White House."

The inevitable Step-Gate conclusion is . . . 
One: Stairs (and possibly slopes) become illegal 
Two: Escalators become mandatory
Three: Trump's phobia of stairs is alleviated

Gliding down the pre-presidential escalator

Four: Trump's secret investment in Chinese manufactured escalators makes him the richest oligarch ever. 

Bonus: With no stairs to fall down, I'll never again be in a situation where I have to scooter around like a hypocritical obsequious representative. That is great news because there won't be any health care coverage either.   

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