Sunday, December 25, 2016

Well That's Ambitious

The Belle of New York Rings in the New Year

Three days before January 1st, I become disproportionally optimistic . . . 
and in that state of semi-delusion (or possibly complete delusion), I resolve to lose half of my body weight, solve global inequity and clean out the garage. 
This year I will (in all probability) lose and regain the same 8 pounds half a dozen times, remember to put on sunscreen one-third of the time I need to . . . 
and with divine intervention, 
I will find this year marginally less horrible than the year before. 
Unlikely as that would take considerable divinity.
Clara Bow 1928
A few of the best New Year's Resolutions plucked from the internet ether: 

I will stop pretending that’s it’s not time to take out the garbage by repeatedly smashing the trash with my arms.

I will drive by the fitness center at least once a week to pay my respects. 

I will be the kind of boy Beyoncé would be proud of.
This year I bought a treadmill because my New Year’s resolution is to have more things to put my laundry on. 

I will read the manual . . . just as soon as I can find it. 

I will plug USB in right way first time.

I will just put on gym clothes and see what happens. 

I already broke my New Years resolution not to take the Lord's name in vain while rummaging thru my ex-girlfriends garbage. 

I will incorporate "I don't roll that way" into at least one conversation a week.

I will get around to solving the Zodiac murders. 

I will never eat anything bigger than my head at one sitting.

My wife just googled "how to make your own coffee creamer" so I guess our resolution is to save $4 and not like coffee.

I will not be arrested again while in view of my neighbors. 

I will learn how to pronounce Worcestershire. 

I will get blocked on Twitter by Ann Coulter.

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