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| The Belle of New York Rings in the New Year |
Three days before January 1st, I become disproportionally optimistic . . .
and in that state of semi-delusion (or possibly complete delusion), I resolve to lose half of my body weight, solve global inequity and clean out the garage.
This year I will (in all probability) lose and regain the same 8 pounds half a dozen times, remember to put on sunscreen one-third of the time I need to . . .
and with divine intervention,
I will find this year marginally less horrible than the year before.
Unlikely as that would take considerable divinity.
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| Clara Bow 1928 |
A few of the best New Year's Resolutions plucked from the internet ether:
I will stop pretending that’s it’s not time to take out the garbage by repeatedly smashing the trash with my arms.
I will drive by the fitness center at least once a week to pay my respects.
I will be the kind of boy Beyoncé would be proud of.
This year I bought a treadmill because my New Year’s resolution is to have more things to put my laundry on.
I will read the manual . . . just as soon as I can find it.
I will plug USB in right way first time.
I will just put on gym clothes and see what happens.
I already broke my New Years resolution not to take the Lord's name in vain while rummaging thru my ex-girlfriends garbage.
I will incorporate "I don't roll that way" into at least one conversation a week.
I will get around to solving the Zodiac murders.
I will never eat anything bigger than my head at one sitting.
My wife just googled "how to make your own coffee creamer" so I guess our resolution is to save $4 and not like coffee.
I will not be arrested again while in view of my neighbors.
I will learn how to pronounce Worcestershire.
I will get blocked on Twitter by Ann Coulter.
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