Sunday, July 10, 2016

Mangled Apricot Hellbent Bastard

More past and present Trumpiest bits because you can't cover The Donald in one post . . . 

Continued from Cheeto Jesus

Along with the highlights from A Major, Super-Classy List of Donald Trump’s Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser By Jaime Fuller and Claire Landsbaum Check it out!

Petition to Ban Trump

Within days of Trump announcing his well-thought-out and realistic plan to ban all Muslims*, a petition was started to ban Trump from entering the UK. It quickly racked up 550,000 signatures, forcing a discussion by Parliament.

*Muslims (n.): An entire group of people that should be completely banned for entering the U.S.; "wonderful people," many of whom are friends with Trump
. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

Trump (whose mother was a Scottish immigrant) then threatened to pull "millions" of investments from Scotland.

(He had made similar threats after failing to block plans for a local wind farm which would make the view from his golf course "unsightly.") 

Trump then generously clarified that he would make an exception to the ban for the newly elected Mayor of London, Sadie Khan, a muslim.

After some back and forth, Kahn responded with a wish for Mr. Trump to be "soundly beaten" in the presidential election.

Trump's eloquent response, "I think they're very rude statements and frankly, tell him, I will remember those statements. They're very nasty statements."

The prior mayor of London had also cautioned against a Trump visit, "I wouldn’t want to expose Londoners to an unnecessary risk of meeting Donald Trump."

Robert Gordon University in Aberdeen Scotland revoked the honorary Doctor of Business Administration it had bestowed . . . 

in spite of Trump's super great and really really luxurious golf* course that has created less than 5% of the 6,000 anticipated jobs, continues to run in the red and Trump's interference with water and electric services to the local residents he was unable to evict. 

*golf (n.): A super-luxury game for classy people; something Donald Trump definitely doesn't cheat at. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

"I do find Trump wearing. We get so many letters asking us not to let Trump into Aberdeenshire." Aberdeenshire Councillor Isobel Davidson

If you don't dislike Trump enough yet, watch You've Been Trumped. 

Trump went to Scotland, the only international trip that Trump has made since launching his bid for the White House, to open his golf resort and to congratulate the Scots on leaving the European Union.

Scotland greets Donald Trump during his June trip. 

Just arrived in Scotland. Place is going wild over the vote. They took their country back, just like we will take America back. No games! @realDonaldTrump 2:21 AM - 24 Jun 2016

Scotland, evidently already soured on the "mangled apricot hellbent bastard" responded to his congratulatory tweet:

The majority of Scotland voted to remain, your words are as legitimate as your hairstyle @NaganoCitySB

Scotland voted Remain, you weapons-grade plum@sueperkins

You are a polyester cockwomble@zananeichan

If Cailleach Trump had sent you to Tong School you might have a better understanding of what actually happened. Geehonk. @iainmackinnon 

Congrats to Scotland. Those are some fan-freaking-tastic Trump monikers!

And don't worry, Son Eric saved his dad from embarrassment by explaining that Obama, "I mean every single major tragedy that we’ve had as a nation, during his administration, do you know where he’s been? He’s been on a golf course."

. . . um good thing you stepped in.

The Polyester Cockwomble, at one time, had called Princess Di "the ultimate trophy wife". He also stated that the Princess was "crazy" but that was a minor details and he still would have slept with her without hesitation.

If those bouts of classy dissemination don't terminate allegiances, when The Weapons-Grade Plum starts tweeting about Kate (creepier things have happened) we can return to pre-revolutionary status. 

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:

Determining foreign policy based on perceived slights, potential golf course locations and which attractive royals you are taking an inappropriate interested in . . .

which has already caused enough international skirmishes . . . 

and then having a Vampire-appearing offspring create a distraction . . . 

is not a best policy approach. 

Lady Parts

A Trump presidency would be fantastic for ladies and if you don't believe that, than clearly you are one of the disgusting, ugly and fat type ladies.

"I want to help women*. I’m going to be able to do things for women that no other candidate would be able to do, and it’s very important to me."

*women (n.): "Cow," "pig," "animal," "grotesque"; "disgusting"; the sex Donald Trump cherishes and wants to help more than any other candidate. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

The Trump vs. Fox "News" feud ignited after Fox anchor Megan Kelly* challenged Trump about his history of sexism. Trump responded by publicly criticizing Kelly, including stating that she had "blood coming out of her eyes" and "her wherever*." 

Later that month, Trump complained that Fox "treats me terribly."

*Kelly, Megyn (n.): A bimbo; someone who asks really unfair debate questions. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

Trump was then uninvited to an event by Erick Ericsson's RedState editor-in-chief and a Fox News contributor:

"No legitimate candidate suggests somehow a female asking questions is doing it because she's hormonal."

The statements issued by the Trump campaign:

Mr. Trump made Megyn Kelly look really bad — she was a mess with her anger and totally caught off guard. Mr. Trump said “blood was coming out of her eyes and whatever” meaning nose, but wanted to move on to more important topics. Only a deviant* would think anything else. . . . 

*deviant (n.): Anyone dumb enough to misunderstand Donald Trump’s good intentions; someone who makes menstruation jokes, e.g., Erick Ericsson. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

Also, not only is Erick a total loser, he has a history of supporting establishment losers in failed campaigns so it is an honor to be uninvited from his event. Mr. Trump is an outsider and does not fit his agenda.

Many of the 900 people that wanted to hear Mr. Trump speak tonight have been calling and emailing—they are very angry at Erickson and the others that are trying to be so politically correct. 

Thank heavens the once politically correct Erick Ericsson has gone back to his incorrect ways claiming that Hillary Clinton proves "even a homely woman can sleep her way into power."

When asked about women's health and Planned Parenthood, Trump tried to present something coherent. "I will take a look at Planned Parenthood I’d look at the individual things they do, and maybe some of the individual things they do are good. I know a lot of the things are bad." 

He then went on to happily assure the American people that he had the support of the Planned Parenthood.

Planned Parenthood responded:
I repeat: ‪@realDonaldTrump is no friend to PP or the millions of women we serve. His policies would ruin lives.
 - There would absolutely be no benefit to having Donald Trump as president of the United States for women.

Bernie might also be on to something.

Trump, discussing Hillary's brief absence from an appearance, alluded to an assumption that she was using the restroom.

"I know where she went, it's disgusting, I don't want to talk about it...No, it's too disgusting."

"[Trump] has discovered that women go to the bathroom, and it’d been very upsetting to him." - Bernie 


Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:

"I've had thousands of letters from women that have been helped."

Trump's inability to accurately define "everyone" appears to generalize to other tricky number ideas like "thousands of" or perhaps it is an issue with defining "help".

However, the larger issue of disturbing . . .
Where do I start!?!
How about I bounce to the next section . . . because there is more!

When trump said he'd be good for women's health I tried to do a karate kick at the tv and fell so he's proving not great for my back health
. ‎@jsam1126

My Women

"Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'" - Bill Maher

Melania tells @Greta I believe strongly marriage should be between one man & a series of progressively younger women@RealDonalDrumpf

A series of quotes*:

*quotes (n.): Donald Trump's greatest natural resource. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

"I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful." 

Prior to his marriage to Melania and his run for the White House, he was asked about Clinton’s philandering. "People would have been more forgiving if he’d had an affair with a really beautiful, classy* woman of sophistication." 

Further, he didn't think Americans would have a problem with "a twice-divorced playboy" as president. "Actually, I think people like it. It’s a fantasy." 

However, "if necessary, I could be married in 24 hours. It would be very easy. Believe me."

*classy (adj.): Anything topped with mahogany; any and all golf courses owned and operated by Donald Trump; anything generally excellent; the necklace you give your third wife. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

"America's id is running for president." - Jon Stewart 

"I don’t know why I bring out this craziness in women, but somehow I do, and it’s not always pretty." - The Art of the Comeback, 1997

"If I told the real stories of my experiences with women, often seemingly very happily married and important women, this book would be a guaranteed best-seller (which it will be anyway!)."

"I go out with the most beautiful women in the world. Certain guys tell me they want women of substance, not beautiful models. It just means they can’t get beautiful models." 

"All the women on The Apprentice flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected." 

"Giving your wife 'negotiable assets' is a terrible mistake." From the man who had bragged that Ivana was paid a salary of $1 a day and, "all the dresses she can buy."

Trump once complained that his wife only hires unattractive service workers in their home. "They're not tens, I can tell you that. I've been very domesticated. It's a sad event." Perhaps it is that $1 a day salary.

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:

Marla Maples described Trump as, "The little boy that still wants attention."

Along with a pubescent obsession with titillation and "sexy time", Trump appears to have a pubescent male understanding and cootie-ish reaction to the opposite sex. 

Breaking the scale-o-creepy, Trump described his daughter*. "Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father . . . "

*daughter (n.): Someone with great genes whom you might date if she weren't related to you. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

Hence his approval rating with the ladies . . . 
well the disgusting, ugly and fat type ladies obviously. 

All The Women Say No

Meryl Streep, capitalizing on Trump's lack of popularity with female voters, performed as Trump during New York’s annual Shakespeare in the Park gala. 

In a parody of Brush Up Your Shakespeare from Kiss Me Kate (a song about two gangsters quoting The Bard to improves their ability to woo women.) 

Trump asks Hillary, "You'll let me know, why it is, all the women say no?"

Trump and Madonna and Miller

When asked what the most important magazine cover was that he had been on, Trump responded, "[1990 Playboy.] I was one of the only men to ever get on the cover."

From the interview:

What is marriage to you? Is it monogamous?

I don’t have to answer that. I never speak about my wife–which is one of the advantages of not being a politician. My marriage is and should be a personal thing.

In 1991, Trump was embroiled in scandal, having an ongoing and public affair with Marla Maples. A People magazine reporter contacted Trump's office and received a phone interview with Trump publicist, John Miller . . .

who sounded like Trump . . .

exactly like Trump. 

"He’s coming out of a marriage, and he’s starting to do tremendously* well financially."

*tremendous (adj.): A verbal bedazzler that turns any regular old statement or policy idea into one of the greatest ideas of all time. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser

"Miller" assured the reporter that actresses, models and celebrities, including Madonnaa and Kim Basinger, called to see if they could go out with Trump. "I mean, he’s living with Marla and he’s got three other girlfriends. . . . He does things for himself. When he makes a decision, that will be a very lucky woman." 

Trump later confirmed that John Miller was a name he used occasionally but then went with his traditional I-don't-know-what-you-are-talking-about response during a recent interview. "You’re telling me about it for the first time and it doesn’t sound like my voice at all."

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:

Evidently, in the 90's, pretending to be your own agent was a thing . . . 

Yes he is a great actor, might be available, I'll send over head shots . . . 

but Donald, at 45 years old . . . 

Madonna? Really? . . . 

So we can expect intelligence specialist, John Miller, to brief us on how tremendously well POTUS Tump is doing? 

I mean, Putin is calling for a relationship and Trump is very, very strong on the border and being great.

The Trump and Putin Love-Fest

Trump re Putin: He's a strong leader, he's a powerful leader. He's represented his country.

Trump to MSNBC: Russian President Vladimir Putin has nice things to say about me. 

MSNBC to Trump: Putin is also a person that kills journalists, political opponents, and invades countries. 

Trump to MSNBC: He's running his country and at least he's a leader.

Putin re Trump: He is a very outstanding person, talented, without any doubt. He says that he wants to move to another level of relations, to a deeper level of relations with Russia. How can we not welcome that? 

Trump ran with that: 

You know, he feels good about me . . . . 
Now, they're [the other presidential candidates] jealous as hell because he's not mentioning these people. When people call you brilliant, it’s always good, especially when the person heads up Russia.

They want me to disavow Putin. Putin* of Russia said Trump is a genius.

*Putin, Vladimir (n.): Someone President Trump would have a great relationship with who is definitely a way better leader than Barack Obama. Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser

Putin clarified the comment:
You see, it’s like I said, Trump’s a colorful person. And well, isn’t he colorful? Colorful. I didn’t make any other kind of characterization about him. . . . It’s not our business to decide his merits. That is for US voters.

Evidently Trump had, for months, misinterpreted Putin’s comments as a great honor and clear praise, rather than consider the various meanings of the word such as "colorful".

As far as I know, Trump hasn't called Putin a loser *. . . yet. But give it time. 

*loser (n.): Everyone who disagrees with Donald Trump; a person who is rendered useless by his inability to help increase the value of Donald Trump’s brand; what Donald Trump will be if he doesn't win the 2016 presidential election. Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:

Seriously? Putin? Mutually Assured Destruction (as ridiculous as that concept was) won't work if the leaders with fingers on the buttons secretly believe they are Loki-like immortals. 

Life Under President Trump: a dirty infant crawls around inside a burnt out helicopter @trumpetcake

It's On His Hat

"I'm a bit of a P. T. Barnum. I make stars out of everyone."

I agree that Trump may have the draw of P. T. Barnum but not because of ubiquitous star making ability.

A more appropriate comparison would be:
"Every crowd has a silver lining." - P. T. Barnum

"Without promotion, something terrible happens... nothing!" - P. T. Barnum 

And three misattributed, but appropriate, "not P. T. Barnum" quotes:

"There's a sucker born every minute." - David Hannum, in criticism of P. T. Barnum

"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people." - H. L. Mencken

"You can fool some of the people all of the time; you can fool all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool all of the people all of the time." - Abraham Lincoln 

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend: 

Trump supporter explaining why Trump is the best candidate: 

"We know his goal is to make America great again*. It's on his hat. And we see it every time he's on TV." 

Yep. On TV and written on a hat. 

*great again (state of being): America under President Trump. Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser

Very Very Strong

"In a speech cobbled together from forwarded emails from your uncle, Trump let us know what he thought America needed." - Seth Myers

Last year, there was interview on NPR (NPR and Wikipedia being the only reasons I know anything) about Trump's business genius. It comes down to a savant-like ability for adaptation, manipulation and exploitation.

His campaign and political cater is to a very angry portion of Americans and it is as genius as it is manipulative.

I'm very angry at our political system . . . 

very . . . 

and I would LOVE to see politicians sent packing . . . 

go reformation . . . 

but I would like a bit more detail: 

The Affordable Care Act has "gotta go" and Trump will replace it with "something terrific.*" 

"I would work out some sort of a really smart deal with hospitals across the country."

*something terrific (adj.): What President Trump will replace Obamacare with. Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser

"We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with the winning. Believe me, I agree, you'll never get bored with winning."

"I would be very, very strong* on the debt limit."
"I'm very, very strong on the border."
"We're looking very, very strong."

Trump then added a very: "Some people would say I'm very, very, very intelligent."

And then he added his very, very strong family. 
"Ivanka’s very, very strong into the gender equality and women’s issues, and she’s going to speak about gender equality, she’s going to speak about the women’s issues."

(Eric Trump reported that Ivanka should clearly be the VP. “She’s got the beautiful looks. She’s smart, she’s smart, smart, smart. Yeah, she’s certainly got my vote.") 

*very, very strong (adj.): A word that describes how President Trump will be on every single issue. Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:

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