Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Cheeto Jesus

I've tried to stay up on the adventures of Trump but every time I turn around he does something, somewhere and in someway that causes the GOP to further implode while the rest of us make "that face" . . .  

There was a recent Trump moniker of perfection: 

Prominent GOP operative and consultant Rick Wilson:

This weekend, people were lined up hundreds deep to give blood to the victims of Orlando. Your Cheeto Jesus was praising himself.

I really hope that name sticks. 

A few past and present Trumpiest bits (typed while making "that face")

Along with the highlights from A Major, Super-Classy List of Donald Trump’s Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser - By Jaime Fuller and Claire Landsbaum Check it out!

I will wager that you are amazing* enough to spot the subtle and yet disturbing trend that may, for some voters, be considered detrimental in a presidential candidate, or in any adult male allowed in public, without supervision.

amazing* (adj.): The opposite of a loser. See classy.


The Gays

Trump's self congratulatory tweet, spawning the Cheeto Moniker: 

Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism, I don't want congrats, I want toughness and vigilance. We must be smart! @realDonaldTrump 9:43 AM - 12 Jun 2016

What kind of sick imbecile was congratulating you following a terrorist act? You two should go to couples therapy. @DanJoseph78

Trump then let the rest of us haters and losers* in on what The Gays really thought of The Donald: 

"The LGBT community, the gay community, the lesbian community — they are so much in favor of what I've been saying over the last three or four days. . . .
Ask the gays what they think and what they do, in, not only Saudi Arabia, but many of these countries, and then you tell me — who’s your friend, Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?"

*haters and losers (n.): People who fail to recognize that Trump and super-classy are synonyms; the intended audience of 75 percent of Donald Trump tweets. See tweet. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser

The Gays responded:

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:
In addition to an inability to filter thoughts from speech. . . .

"Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad. Has this ever been told to you before?" - Donald Trump (While being interviewed by Larry King)

He apparently has a bit of an issue anticipate outcome . . .
and anticipating outcome correctly may be good skill for the leader of a nation.


In 2012, Trump found it important, as did many tween girls, to share his views on Kristen Stewart's and Robert Pattinson's relationship. (A FEW of his Twilight tweets.)

Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog and will do it again--just watch. He can do much better! 

Robert I'm getting a lot of heat for saying you should dump Kristen- but I'm right. If you saw the Miss Universe girls you would reconsider.

Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.

Everyone is asking me to speak more on Robert Kristen. I don't have time except to say "Robert, drop her, she cheated on you and will again!"

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:
Aside from the geriatric fascination in a relationship of Twilight actors, Twilight . . . 
defining "everyone" in actual numbers enough to be considered "everyone" may come up again. 
Everyone is asking me to speak more on the destruction of the global economy and the nuclear missile launch. I don't have time except to say "Duck and cover!"

However, pubescent command of Social Media has served The Donald.  

"My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth." 

Within minutes of any slight, real or imagined, Trump sends off Tweet* to millions of followers . . .  some who shadow high-five Cheeto Jesus and others who make the face (as seen above) with increasing frequency. 

*tweet (n.): A political platform; a way to call out losers; tweet (v.): To strike fear in the hearts of one’s opponents. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

Trump had “over four million people discussing him in the past 15 days, whereas Hillary and Bernie are about 1.5 million in the past few days, so it’s a huge difference.” Bresnahan-Mcrae, 
and hence is need to raise almost nothing, so far, for his meteoric rise.

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:
Piss poor impulse control which, when expanded to 4 am retaliatory pushing of buttons other than social media, makes prepping pretty damn reasonable . . . 

and an inability to grasp when the game is over . . . or shouldn't be started in the first place. 

Donald, don't participate in a twitter war with the executive producer of Modern Family. The guy writes one liners for a living. 

"Armed with Twitter and a growing band of converts, capitalism-powered perpetual-motion performance artist Donald Trump is still the Republican front-runner as the year comes to a close. So far his platform consists of promising to “make America great again,” although he has yet to discuss exactly how this will happen if he’s elected — although it is clear that it involves a lot of bombing and feats of strength." - Jaime Fuller and Claire Landsbaum, New York Magazine

Personal Vietnam

In a 1997 interview with Howard Stern, Trump explained that the danger he faced from getting sexually transmitted diseases was his "personal Vietnam."

"I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world. It is a dangerous world out there. It’s scary, like Vietnam. Sort of like the Vietnam-era . . . It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great* and very brave soldier."

*great (adj.): The equivalent of "um" or "ah." From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser

Well that is almost the same thing, making him qualified to voice an opinion on resolving sexual assault in the military. 

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:
Can we assume, as commander and chief, women will be ordered to stay in the newly formed pleasure centers where they belong and VA care will be limited to STD treatment?

Military Advice 

During one of the GOP debates*, it was clear that Trump had no idea what the nuclear triad refers to. (I didn't either so I had to look it up, but I will also never be responsible for a nuclear holocaust. The triad is the three delivery systems for nuclear missiles: submarine-based missiles, land-based intercontinental ballistic missiles, and bombs dropped from aircraft.)

*debates (n.): Super boring discussions that are too long that no one would watch if Trump weren't involved.
From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser

"To put it in context, this is like applying . . . applying to be an airline pilot and not knowing how to interpret 'cleared to land'" James Fallows

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we're doing what those Apes say
tom jamieson @jamiesont

A more specific ignorance-based foreign policy?

Trump's plan for dealing with ISIS, Assad and Syria:

"[Assad] is very, very bad individual, but he is an individual who, in his country, is keeping things in check because he is such a bad guy they’re afraid of him."

So leave Assad alone and ISIS will remain in check?

Trump manager praises Assad for "keeping things in check." Wonder what out of control looks like? Nuclear war? Alien incasion? Black hole? @MaxBoot 1:37 PM - 17 Feb 2016

During a later interview:

"Why aren't we letting ISIS go and fight Assad, and then we pick up the remnants?"

"Let me get this right. So we lay off ISIS for now? ... Lay off in Syria. Let them destroy Assad. And then we go in behind that?"

"That's what I would say."

Hmmm . . . so leave ISIS* alone and then Assad will destroyed? But then who will keep ISIS in check? 

*ISIS (n.): An awful terrorist organization that will be in "such trouble" when President Trump takes "them out so fast." From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 
Even Romney doesn't believe letting ISIS run amok was a good idea.
"Donald Trump tells us that he is very, very smart. I'm afraid that when it comes to foreign policy, he is very, very not smart."

"You have someone with Donald Trump who has vision to predict what will happen in the future because he’s done it so many times." - Corey Lewandowski, Trump's campaign manager, a few months before he was fired.

Trump has tirelessly explained to the country "what it needed most was a CEO who can defeat ISIS with air conditioning and restore American greatness by giving tyrants all they’ve ever wanted from us—sky-stabbing gilt high-rises, multiethnic beauty pageants, and a big swinging dick with whom they can build up the bottom line" - Michael Weiss

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:
If you have your finger on the nuclear button, know something about it.  Granted, Trump has indicated that his presidency will be similar to the President Bush . . . which was evidently formulated along the lines of . . . I'm no genius on the military or foreign policy or war or weaponry or terrorism but my super-smart friend Dick Cheney is and he'll take care of all that. What could go wrong? 

2016: Trump won't win. 2017: President Trump can't do that, can he? 2018: You watching The Hunger Games tonight? I hope my District wins. Eric Smith‏@ericsmithrocks

Global Risk Analysis

The Economist Intelligence Unit, a risk analysis firm, listed events that would likely cause a global economic crisis.

The top 6 risk factors included:
an economic crisis in China*, Russia increasing involvement is the Ukraine and Syria and Trump becoming the US president.

*China (n.): One of the reasons America is not great; a word that must be uttered Carrie Mathison style — your entire face must look like it is chewing a piece of gum. From: Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser 

White House 2018:
[President Trump enters the Oval Office]
President Trump: Has anyone seen the movie The Purge?
Aide: Oh dear God
joe heenan @joeheenan

Subtle Yet Disturbing Trend:
One individual, with the sophistication and ego of a pubescent male with his father's credit card should probably not have the same potential for economic chaos as 1.5 billion people. 

"Donald Trump comes closer than anyone else to being the archetype of the species; crossing genres, he exemplifies all the ways an asshole can capture our attention." - Geoffrey Nurnberg

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