Sunday, January 24, 2016

A Post Rapture Post

Winter Driving, equal parts driving bobsledding and church service. A Post Rapture Post.
Having lived in a state where frozen precipitation was a regular occurrence, bargaining with a deity, at least in my vehicle, was not unheard of. 
What would Jesus drive? Jesus drove a Honda but didn't talk about it. 'For I did not speak of my own Accord.' A Post Rapture Post. How to avoid the post rapture driving hazards.

Post college, I moved to California, an area out of arctic range but with perpetual gridlock, and my verbal requests for divine intervention changed in nature, if not in frequency. 
Ride to Worship. Photo of a 1970s bike with enormous cross backrest. A Post Rapture Post. How to avoid the post rapture driving hazards.
That was well before GPS, texting, the What Would Jesus Drive movement, and imminent threats of rapture leaving unpiloted vehicles to create deadly pileups. 
Taking home a big status of Jesus when it won't fit in the trunk. Photo of girl in an open trunk holding a big Jesus statue while driving. A Post Rapture Post. How to avoid the post rapture driving hazards.

If you are unfamiliar with the rapture, it will be when worthy individuals are zoomed up to heaven before the Apocalypse leaving planes without Christian pilots and cars without Christian drivers, creating a transportation hazard for the rest of us.
Photo of car painted with scriptures and covered with stuffed animals, figurines and religious icons on roof and trunk. A Post Rapture Post. How to avoid driving hazards during the End of Days.
I looked through Rapture Ready sites hoping to pass on tips for maneuvering through End of Days traffic.
Photo of Religious van, painted with stylized Jesus playing an electric guitar. 'Jesus Rocks and I say hello.' A Post Rapture Post. How to avoid driving hazards during the end of days.
No such luck so the best advice would be to avoid cars adorned with rapture-likely declarations. That isn't the vehicle you want to be behind when the driver poofs out of existence.
White van with oversized warnings stenciled on the side. 'Repent or burn in hell.' 'Whoremongers' 'lake of fire.' A Post Rapture Post. How to avoid driving hazards during the end of days.

BUT I found something better!
If you are concerned about leaving loved ones and family behind after the rapture you can have consolation notes had-delivered to the unworthy! 

The Post-Rapture Post (The Postal Service of the Saved): 

Do you know someone who is in danger of being "left behind" because of a sinful life? Imagine if you could write a letter to a friend or loved one after the Great Day of Reckoning.  
A few Post Rapture Pose options:
A Post Rapture Post "Told You So" Card
"Told You So" Card - $7.99
When herding the flock, sometimes it takes a little tough love. This card tells the recipient in no uncertain terms that he or she should have followed Christ, but they chose not to. Upon seeing the error of their ways, many non-believers will return to the path of righteousness from their lives of sin before the Rapture.
A Post Rapture Post "Chin Up" Card
"Chin Up" Card - $7.99
This card tells a friend or loved one who has been left behind to keep their head held high during the end times. It encourages positive thinking to ensure that the recipient does not fall into a fog of depression that will cause them to lose sight of the teachings of Christ. 
Art work on scroll medieval monk scribe manuscript. A post rapture post

Class III Message - $799.99
Our flagship model. Your message of up to 3,000 characters is hand-scribed on medieval style parchment sheets, and then rolled and wrapped with a fine Italian ribbon. The Class III message is delivered immediately after the Rapture, so expect delivery in as little as one day, depending on the transportation options available to those rejected from the Kingdom of God.
Photo of flier for atheist bake sale by the Secular Society. Caption - Delicious Brownies. Cost your Soul. A Post Rapture Post.
While I don't personally believe, I feel that others may need my services in the event that the impossible happens. Also, I need money to support my sinful lifestyle.

#LeftBehind #Apocalypse #Prophecy
Updated 8/20/2017


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