Sunday, July 19, 2015

Weed Free

I found the definition of HOA syndrome. I wonder if it is possible to take action against my HOA for mental cruelty. 

In response to HOA demands to paint the shed. 

[T]he HOA strategically begins to focus on the homeowner’s minor, if not non-existent infractions. The purpose for these attacks is to create an income stream. This income stream makes its way into the pockets of the management companies, collection agencies and attorneys, none of whom live within the community that they are harassing. 

Like ravenous parasites, these organizations feed off of fear-based harassment. The homeowner, now locked into a mortgage, feels powerless over the HOA’s relentless hounding for more and more money.

In short: the evolution of schoolyard bullying and lunch money stealing has turned into adult comportment known in the legal world as, racketeering, financial exploitation and extortion, and neighborhood money pilfering. 

My neighborhood is located in the City-of-Hot-and-Little-Water. My fellow home owners appear to have overcome this obstacle and have yards that looks like this: 

Mine looks more like this:

I have received the mandatory letters of the HOA's displeasure. Deciding that at some point even Arizona plants will die eventually without water, I turned on my timed sprinkler system and an enormous geyser erupted in the back corner of my yard. 

In response to neighbors cooking with garlic.
I ran to the sprinkler box and watched it have a simultaneous stroke and heart attack. Being the mechanical genius that I am, I had to turn every dial in the area before managing to turn off the water. 

In response to the response about cooking garlic.
The sprinkler dude came out and made tisk tisk noises. Because my backyard looks like this: 

The guy suggested that I should remove the weed forest so he could identify all the leaks.  Fair enough but not as easy as it sounds. If I engaged in yard care, I am sure I would follow the example of my sprinkler box and have a simultaneous stroke and heart attack. 

Fined for "divisive" Christmas wreath believed to be
"a protest of the Iraq war" or "a symbol of Satan."
About every month I get yard care business cards placed under my car's wiper blade. The problem is they never answer their phone or return messages. I guess that is the first rule of business marketing, never ever answer your phone. You don't want appear desperate. 

With Angie's List and Yelp, I located the only established yard care business that condescended to travel to my location. I got the hard sell to set up the oh so convenient automatic yard maintenance. I countered with a "how 'bout we wait and see" approach. 

In response to demand to remove lawn ornaments. 
Quoted cost for removing all weeds, trimming the shrubbery, raking the yard rocks (I did not know this was a thing), and spraying with a super special weed killer was $500. However, "weed free" was guaranteed for six months. 

Displeasure at closed blinds. 
At 6 am the group of "lawn care specialists" congregated in my backyard and stayed for approximately an hour which, even considering the various attorneys I've have to retain, created a very poor work to payment ratio. 

In response to being told not to fly the American flag. 
On further inspection, the upper half of the weeds had been chopped off, two bushes were conspicuously absent and there is no way anything happened with the yard rocks. At least the sprinkler guy will not be impeded in locating the $1000 leaks in my drip system. 

In another City-of-Hot-and-Little-Water, a homeowner and mom received a letter from her neighbor.

Every day this week when weather has been nice and windows are open, you proceed to let your small child run free in your backyard and laugh and giggle and carry on without end. This is very disruptive for my two dogs and my bird who sits next to the window and like to look into your yard. Perhaps you could ask him to tone it down a bit, or at least limit his outside time to 15-20 mins a day so my dogs can be outside without seeing him running around. If this kind of behavior persists, I WILL CALL THE POLICE!

My response would be to ask if she wanted to use my phone. 

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