Thursday, July 16, 2015

Seriously, Thinking BEFORE Tweeting

As challenging as it for some commercial Twitter campaigns to end in something other than mayhem,
there is a special challenge for semi-intelligent Tweets to form in the Beltway Bubble.

A few are work well, but proportionally the political buffoonery is pretty embarrassing for all adults of voter age. 


I know, I'm starting with a series of Tweets that technically are not from the Beltway Bubble, but since the hubris of the entire Senate still doesn't touch that of The Donald's, I think it is appropriate.

When he lost sponsorships, affiliations and endorsements over his scientific explanation of why rapes occur in America, he Tweeted:

I didn’t know it was going to be this severe. I am a whipping post.

When I think "whipping post", I don't think of the historical people who were actually whipped at the post, I too think of The Donald.

A few Tweeted responses:

So progressive of Caitlyn Jenner to identify as a woman and Donald Trump to identify as a presidential candidate. @michaelianblack

Donald Trump is already creating new jobs for Americans by paying people $50 a pop to show up at his speeches @sAAmbodytoldme

Donald Trump refers to himself in the third person. You know who else did that? JULIUS CAESAR! Also, Gollum. @mrchrisaddison

If I ever wanted to commit suicide, I'd jump off of Donald Trump's ego ‪#Donald2016 @spsvision

This is going toupée fun. @TheDailyShow

Think of the job security he is providing for the good folks at Comedy Central. @wordchem ‏

He did Tweet his Presidential Campaign Photo to rally the Trump groupies. 

Those are Nazi uniforms in the lower right corner, you dolt. @BecketAdams

They're Waffen-SS. Yes, 100% certain about that. @20committee

Senator Vitter LA (R), who was busted for using a New Orleans brothel one day after he publicly apologized for his connection to a DC prostitution ring, protested gay marriage by going to Chick-fil-A.

How do you pick between a "Chick-fil-A kind of day" and a "cheat-on-your-wife-with-prostitute" kind of day #hardchoices@SamSarofeen

Marriage is between a man, a woman and his prostitutes. Right Senator? @WGBill

Is that where you meet your hookers? Like is "Chik-Fil-A" code for "hooker"?@PatrickRomSim

Why aren't you unemployed?@ghostinmarble 

Let's go to one of my favs, Ted Cruz

How does he walk and not fall down? It's a scientific mystery and since he will be the new chairman of the Subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness . . .  

yes he really is and yes it is a real committee and yes he really did recently compared himself and his fight against belief in global warming to Galileo fighting against the "flat-earthers" . . . 

he may be able to get that scientific mystery of motion without cerebral cortex solved. 

I digress.

Ted Cruz, in an attempt to do who knows what (see scientific mystery above) did a horrifically embarrassing, fake audition for the Simpsons.

And then Tweeted:

It appears Harry Shearer was so horrified by my Simpsons impressions he agreed to return. Ted CruzVerified account‏@tedcruz

There were some responses: 

This is about the only thing Ted Cruz & I can agree on! @BonnieFuller

That’s your strategy for appealing to younger voters? Lame. Might not be too late to run against @pmharper back home. ‏@DMeroth

ew creepy moron :/ @zulugirl13

There are also some fan-freaking-tastic suggested campaign slogans for Mr. Cruz ‪at #TedCruzCampaignSlogans

Vote for me, because no one should infringe on your right to infringe on someone else's rights. @rj4gui4r

We're not doomed to repeat history, because I'll get rid of that in schools right after science. Johnny McNulty

My fav Tweet about my fav cerebral cortex missing elected official: 

A vote for Ted in the primaries... is a vote for Hillary in the general election. MATTY ICE

No Straight White Male Left Behind @cmclymer

Your Racist Uncle's Favorite Candidate @JillBidenVeep

Cause it's time for another recession! @DemocraticMemes

Then, Mr. Cruz, as if he were the host and moderator of the national GOP primaries, sent a Tweet about a newly announced GOP candidate:

Gov. @ScottWalker is a welcome addition to the 2016 GOP field, and I’m glad to have him join the race.

Scott Walker, excited about announcing his nomination and fulfilling his manifest destiny Tweeted:

Expo Center was so hot I went into the cooler & sat on a keg of Miller Lite! -SW #Walker16

I'd sweat too if I was in Way over my head, like he is. @TobyJoJohnson

Then there is Louisiana Governor, presidential hopeful and No Believing In That Science Stuff, Bobby Jindal:

Have questions for Bobby Jindal? Tweet us with ‪#AskBobby and he might answer it at our town hall event tonight. @BelieveAgainGOP

Can anyone pet a dinosaur or just Jesus, ‪@BobbyJindal? @Clarknt67

@BobbyJindal if I sail too far will I fall off the edge of the Earth? @ZackKopplin

Have you figured out who started the internet prank that you're running for President? ‪#AskBobby @DimeStoreNinja

Moving to the Dems, and here I have to make a bit of a qualification. I think the Dems are as entrenched, corrupt and unable as any of the Beltway Groups BUT I could not find the same quality of humorous responses.

#WhyImNotVotingForHillary started out pretty promising:

#WhyImNotVotingForHillary was the #1 trending hashtag in America because of us. It was removed mysteriously replaced by #Hillary2016 YoungBLKRepub

Anyone will be better than Hillary. Even Bill agrees. #Hillary #WhyImNotVotingForHillary #Cruz2016 #RandPaul2016 

But then it got weird. Really weird. 

I don't hit women, but I'd love to introduce Billary to the back of my hand... @Wstcoastchicano

#WhyImNotVotingForHillary she will take my guns. 0bama tried do but couldn't because i pray hard. Hilary is witch & can do spell @robdelaney

She couldn't control her husband never mind this country. @SueLynsey

Dem haters, you gotta step it up!

Former Romney strategist is concerned because, "It's become socially acceptable to talk about Republicans in the most evil terms possible and that doesn't seem right." 

Therefore a PR campaign called, "Republicans Are People Too" was launched.  

#iamarepublican because I like my morality like my economy: completely bankrupt @caylenb

#IamARepublican‪ because I want to put the "white" back in White House. And if you think that makes me a racist, then you're the REAL racist. @lakerphil

We're not racists, you're just a stereotypical minority! #IAmARepublican @vVvZero

#IAmARepublican‪ because I just gave birth to a new baby corporation and he already has the right to vote. @TheseusWrex

#IAmARepublican‪ because guns in the Texas Capitol is okay. Tampons? Not so much. @LeslieWheat

#IAmARepublican‪ because God created remingtons to hunt dinosaurs and homosexuals.

#IAmARepublican and I think single moms should work 2 jobs while raising kids and still not make enough to feed them. Freeloading moms! @moralintelligence

The CIA, a few years before officially Tweeting, asked Twitter to pull a fake CIA account removing such gems as:

Dear Ayatollah @khamenei_ir, please consider tweeting in English. Our sole Arabic speaking NED analyst is out on vacation this week. Thanks! @US_CIA

The first official Tweet, as I am sure you recall, was fairly amusing:

However #betterCIAtweets is a great example of how ya' all can join The Twitter and do the funny Tweets and the rest of the Twittering community is still gonna out-Tweet your hypocritical, immoral, law-breaking butt. 

3 CIA agents walk into a bar. To be fair, it's a very low bar, set for them by the fact that we now have a twitter account ‪#betterciatweets @Kevmybick

What’s black and black and black all over? The report we just redacted. @cia @krhawkins5

I've fallen and I can't get up...but I can't disclose my location ‪#betterciatweets @CsBalsiger 

We couldn't catch a cold. #betterciatweets. @MikeyMike67

We can neither confirm nor deny which of our secret prisons your brown friends & family are in or not in. #betterciatweets @RoyalMurph

#rejectedciatwitterbios careful psychological monitoring ensures that any mental pain inflicted by this feed will not be prolonged @krhawkins5

The 6300-page Senate report regarding the abuses of our anti terror program will not fit into 140 chars ‪#betterciatweets @TommFondle

Good news, the 1% is rapidly getting smaller and richer. That makes our international interests much simpler to prioritize! ‪#betterciatweets @Jake_Jepson

Funny, funny tweet about the CIA... Please don't kill me. The end. #betterciatweets‪ @pseudojacon

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