Erma Bombeck (1927 – 1996) was a writer and columnist before eBooks, mommy blogs, and twitter dispersed housewife humor. She published 15 books and wrote over 4,000 newspaper columns. By the 1970s, her columns were printed in 900 newspapers and read by 30 million subscribers.
Fourteen of the best Erma Bombeck quotes to celebrate Mother's Day:
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to it, he said it hit a tree. I don’t want to talk about it.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself."
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.
There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.
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Updated 8/14/2017
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