Sunday, August 3, 2014

Not Phelps. The other one.

Evidently by not paying for cable, I have missed some awesome television programing! 

I think I can follow this 2012 programing logic and it does hit on a certain level of genius.

There are some attractive American athletes at the Olympics. Check 

Michael Phelps is getting great press and he is going to make some people an enormous amount of cash. Check 

Ryan Lochte is better looking AND he cannot string an entire sentence together.  Check 

The Kardashians have pimped out their lives on reality TV and they have an Olympic champion circling the boundaries of crazy. Check

Lochte has the notion that he is a "Gansta’ with Street Cred" and attempted to wear his custom made, 25 K, American flag grill on the Olympic podium. That is entertainment gold. Check-ity Check 

The Food Network combined a song from a cartoon with a likable Olympic medalists who has some culinary skills and What Would Brian Boitano Make? had a respectable following. Check 

Lochte’s exploitable skill? 

Art? Ummm. Even with his shirt off, no one is going to watch him sketch his "surrealist nature art." 

How about a combination of him in various states of dressed and undressed while he talks about: 

Lochterage: an inner circle of friends dedicated to “turning it up” at all times.

His modeling and designing ability. "My personal style? Rockstar swagger."

His perpetual one-night stands. Ryan’s sexual philosophy, as explained by his mother, “He goes out on one-night stands. He’s not able to give fully to a relationship because he’s always on the go.”

Check and checkmate! 

A few pre show comments from for the upcoming E! contribution to culture; What Would Ryan Lochte Do? “There may not be any need to watch this one because I think I already have the answer to that conundrum: Something dumb. Something really, really dumb.”

“From what I can gather, Ryan Lochte’s intrepid dating life will be a major focus of this fine programming. I would say hide your daughters, but really you should just hide your dumb daughters because the rest of us know better.”

What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Debuted on E! from April 21, 2013 to May 27, 2013 and covered such topics as what would Ryan do for love or when he gets plastered or on Spring Break? (Keep in mind he was 29, a two followed by a nine, in 2013.)

A few ominous bits and pieces: 

"Like animals mark their territory. I pee in the pool."  

There is speculation that his cognitive limitations are a farce, honed for entertainment value and notoriety. I find that thought disturbing. 

Comment by an E! viewer, “Ryan Lochte is actually a freaking genius who only knows how to impersonate the average intelligence of those around him  Oh lawd, please put him in an intellectually sophisticated situation. Or just cover him in puppies. I’d watch that too.”

His design ability and personal style may not have gotten the attention it rightfully deserves. Unfortunately, you can no longer buy his custom made sun glasses but he collaborated with Speedo to make a Lochter shoe. 

"I did the hightop which is my own personal shoe for me. It’s like a shiny green. The whole shoe and on top of it is just covered in green rhinestones. The whole entire shoe. Those shoes are going to light up." 

He was prevented from wearing his America wing shoes during the Olympic opening ceremony because, like his America grill, it is not part of the official uniform.  BUT with Speedo backing, there is always 2016.  Green winged shoes and grills for all athletes? 

Finally, imagine if you will, a race of attractive, entitled people with an IQ between that of shrubbery and that of a Giraffe. 


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