Sunday, February 16, 2014

That Time of Year!

It is that time of year again. A time when past harvesters of decorative floral and fauna said to each other, “Did you see how many perfectly good pine trees those Christmas peddlers chopped down and sold?!? Just look at the enormous swaths of land studded with tree stumps! Why can’t we exploit a warm, poverty driven, third world country to grow non-eatable but still disposable commodities and contribute to the system where we import enough overpriced vegetation that the disruption of local crops is guaranteed?”

“Perfect! And, following that enormous Catholic group, lets hijack a pagan ceremony, add a Saint to it and Voila’, enough product moved that we can afford to purchase the only acceptable token of love for our wives, a diamond, and hopefully from questionable collection techniques so it will be relatively inexpensive.” 

You may be asking yourself, well if Valentine’s day has passed, what advice do you have now that could be relevant? Ah, I found something very, very special that will take some careful consideration and planning. A year is probably not too long to ask for making these kind of celebratory commitments. 

So here are some dating gems from the ultra conservative Christian groups including my buddy Pat. If you have to ask, it is Pat "I talk directly to God" Robertson and you obviously have not contributed an acceptable amount to the 700 Club. 

“Dateable girls know how to shut up. They don’t monopolize the conversation.”

“Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed.” “But that doesn’t mean being too wild: They keep women covered up.”

A date does not have to cost a lot of money. “Visit the library and ask the librarian a bizarre question.” “Develop a new laugh together.“ “Survey the neighborhood with a self-made, bizarre questionnaire” “Go to the airport and watch people.”

As a side note, why not do all of this at the airport? Include the TSA in your shenanigans because there is nothing they like better than bizarre questions, especially in the form of a bizarre questionnaire.

“Pretend to be senior citizens. Eat applesauce, play bingo and watch a black-and-white movie.”

“Transcribe the Bible together.” ”Find a flat piece of scrap wood and use a permanent marker to write out your favorite Bible verses. Take it to a nearby beach, river or lake and toss it in the water.” 

Here ends the “dating advice” but there is a little note reporting that Pat, the prevailer of marital tradition, is so enamored with the tradition and ceremony he may have taken some funds (and by that, I mean all of the funds) from his charitable organization and opened up several diamond mines in Africa. You know, money for orphaned children in the horrible genocide in Rwanda and diamond mines in the Congo . . . almost the same thing. 

Especially if the orphans work in the mines. Then they get to have the self respect of knowing they are contributing to the system holding the fabric of society together.

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