Friday, January 31, 2014

Foraging at the Grocery Store

"Supermarket automatic doors open for me; therefore, I am." - Craig Bruce

Recall the recent post on my enjoyment of shopping? Granted that was shopping for apparel and this is foraging for food BUT I still hate it.  While grocery stores do not make you stand in a little dressing room and torment you with mirrors, you do have to return on a pretty regular basis, making it an example of quantity of irritation instead of quality of irritation.

"The grocery store is the great equalizer where mankind comes to grips with the facts of life like toilet tissue.” - Joseph Goldberg

Every time I get a cart overflowing with stuff I think I’m in the shopping clear for at least a week. Nope every two to three days some critical deficiency will cause me to trudge back.  So the moral of the story is spend $300 or $30, I’ll have to return in the next few days for toilet paper or cheese spread or toilet paper AND cheese spread. 

"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven." - Dennis Miller

My mom is a slow, methodical shopper and I run things in the opposite way.  If it isn’t in the cart in 15 minutes then we don’t need it.  My fridge and her fridge are complete opposites. She could feed a brigade of sumo wrestlers while I could offer them the last stick of butter, ancient ketchup and ice. 

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.’" - Steven Wright

My daughter pulled off all of the kitchen appliance tags in the new house.  If it was just me, I think the tags might remain in place for the next buyer. I guess one benefit of being my kid is self-reliance. It is nice that any of the home occupants have skills.

"Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler

There is one food consistency between me and my mom. We have a boatload of nonperishable items that are so far past the expiration date, they are really testing the nonperishable definition. Recently my nephew found peanut butter in my mom’s food storage that had expired seven years ago.  Not to be outdone, my daughter found cans in my pantry that were so old they survived three moves.

“You know, it’s dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. You’re so hot you could melt all this stuff.” -Steve Martin as Vinnie in My Blue Heaven

I am proof positive that purchasing produce, looking at produce sitting in the fridge and then throwing away produce is not beneficial in weight management. I think, on the way out of the store, there should be a donation space and a sign: “You know you are going to throw away half of that produce. There are hungry vegan children so donate it and feel better about eating a burger.”
"If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” - Mitch Hedberg

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