Thursday, September 26, 2013

Government? I can fix that!

First Suggestion: Send the entire congressional body home.  Clean house! Then, access the state jury pools. Pick someone by random.  Inform that lucky SOB they will be doing Congressional Duty so gear up and go meet your patriotic obligations.


Second Suggestion (a two pronged approach): Ambush Leahy and Hatch and wrestle them to the ground. Forcibly remove their secret Congressional Longevity lapel pins. (I'm sure Ted was buried with his.) The result will be an automatic implementation of term limits.   
Then initiate a catch and release program for all lobbyists in the metro DC area.  I’m sure there are plenty of fringe survivalist willing to patrol the DC Beltway. Net you some lobbyists and get them to one of them new special relocation centers. They will be stripped of finances and sent to the Middle East or South America. To cut costs, the bounty hunters can be paid in K rations or Army / Navy surplus.  
Third Suggestion: (This one is my favorite.) Implement a Congressional Pageant.  I’m willing to forgo the swimsuit competition but get those candidates into a gown and heels and ask them an interview question. (Here are a few from this year’s Miss America Pageant.)


“Should people who leak classified documents in the name of public information be charged with treason?”

“In a recent beauty pageant bikinis were banned amid protests from religious groups. As someone who competed in a swimsuit tonight, do you believe such groups should have that influence?”

“A recent report shows that in 40 percent of American families with children, women are the primary earners yet they continue to earn less than men. What does this say about society?”

“Due to the problem of binge drinking on college campuses, a growing number of college presidents are encouraging lawmakers to lower the drinking age. Do you agree that this would promote responsible drinking?”

(Yep, those are some fantastic, hard hitting questions! Especially lowering the drinking age.  That will fix the problem of binge drinking.)

For the talent portion, the candidates will go through basic training, file their own taxes, find their own health insurance, live on food stamps for a month and take public transit. 

Fourth Suggestion: Gather all the Aunties from each congressional district.  (You know the aunties right?  The group of 60ish and 70ish ladies who know everyone’s business. The ones who have no problem pulling a kid by the ear out of the sandbox. The one who have radar for any misbehaving teen in a 6 mile radius.)
Bring them into DC. Have a nice little getting to know everyone session with luncheon, then open the congressional doors and let them have at it.

I'm going on the assumption they will implement such things as a "get along" bench where any two squabblers will be sequestered until they can compromise. I'm sure naptime will be mandatory along with cooperation sticker charts.  I'm also thinking there will be several members of the Congressional Body who will be sent home until they can learn proper behavior.

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