Heterosexual Ambiguity

I’ve bounced back and forth on telling this story because, while funny, it does cross into somewhat creepy territory. But, since I found the Heterosexual Confirmation video, I thought I would do bookend posts.

Story set up Part One: I’m in the midst of a cell phone odyssey. I want a phone where I can successfully make outgoing calls and coincidentally I want one where I can successfully receive calls. (I realize that’s a little demanding.) So, while I’m digging through customer reviews trying to find such a thing, I’ve been using my work cell. (Per policy, that is acceptable, “within reason.”)

Story set up Part Two: While the company is very generous to let us use their cell phones, they have a very strict “professional language” requirement. As it is their equipment, that is a fair expectation.

Story set up Part Three: Throughout the past school year, I’ve been emailing and texting my daughter’s home room teacher. It evolved from “How’s the kid?” to a joint gripe about divorce and parenthood and the possibility of a different career path.

Story set up Part Four: I also occasionally emailed the kid’s other teachers to keep in touch and get some feedback on the kid. No problem, except her math teacher was a little snippy about it.

Do you see where this is going? Is it obvious? Am I the anomaly and hadn’t a clue how this would pan out?

The Friday after school ended, I get a text from the home room teacher. He assumes I knew he was in a relationship with the math teacher which has ended. (Um, not really.)

And he had been drinking some and wanted to initiate an interaction on a not so socially appropriate topic.

Keep in mind, I “met” him for a few minutes during parent teacher conference when there was a flock of students and parents so I’m working off of a vague impression. (Granted the impression is tall and attractive but not much else.)

So we text for some time while I’m trying to get clarity on the evolution of this interaction and he continues to respond with an entirely different agenda.

But that’s not the best part.

I realize in the midst of this texting interaction that I’m on my work phone! And, did I mention everything gets monitored on my work phone? And did I mention you aren’t even allowed to text “crap” on the work phone much less receive texts describing anatomy?

The interaction ends when I say something like, “You’re drinking, you’re sad, go to bed and talk to me tomorrow.”

I’m expecting a contrite text apologizing. Nope. So I send one last text, “Clearly I have misinterpreted the parameters of this interaction. Care to fill me in?”