Monday, April 1, 2013

The Coke Receptacle

You will be pleased to know that the poor in America aren't really poor, because . . . 
99% of Americans have a refrigerator and most of those also have a microwave.  

In August 2012, Stuart Varney of Fox "News" and Robert Rector of the American Heritage Foundation were fed up with the wealthiest of Americans not seeing an income growth equitable to the astounding income growth of all other economic groups in the country. 

Proof was proffered with a list of luxuries Americans have access to (the finer points of access to and ownership of were not clarified, nor was the obvious error in assumption that access to cold food storage did not mean actual food was available to store.)

The Heritage Foundation has also found that only 2% of American children go hungry and only for isolated periods of time during the year. 

Well that is a relief. 

Following that logic, my house, when I purchased it, had no refrigerator and therefore I beleive I am entitled to assistance from Varney and Rector. 

My kitchen does not have a fridge. Out of all the possible types of kitchen appliances, a fridge is the one I am most likely to use. And by use, I mean open, toss in multiple Diet Coke (with Cherry) fridge pack and then close without further consideration.

So I start my quest. I know I want stainless because a mismatched kitchen suite will make me bonkers. Other than that, a door of some kind with a hinge mechanism, a possible light source and really what more do I need? 

At least that’s what I was thinking until I read this:

“Refrigerators make the kitchen; it can add style to the whole room. Homeowners will often set the design standard with their refrigerator and then play off that for all their other appliances.”

So no pressure.

“Many consider refrigerators sort of boring and not worth much notice, but that is because they don’t know all of the awesome refrigerator options out there.”

This is an apt description of my relationships with refrigerators. So with a new determination, I hunt for those “awesome refrigerator options.”

I find trim kits, wood panels, industrial sizes and enough temperature and moisture controlling dials to qualify as a bio hazard lab.

“Exterior cabinet moisture controls will sound an alarm when the temperature falls below an acceptable level.”

But will a red light flash as dudes in bio hazard gear repel off the roof and smash through the kitchen window?

“Some refrigerators have fun features like televisions and clocks.”

I would like to dispute this definition of “fun”. Stoves have offered a clock feature for many years and the joys of a flashing digital clock has already been presented to most microwave owners.

That leaves the television incentive. Visualize, if you will, where your fridge is placed relative to the other areas in your kitchen. Most kitchens I have seen have the fridge to the back of the cooking stations.

Even if this was an appliance chosen for the anti-cook, it isn’t a very functional option. Standing in front of the fridge is typically an exercise in hoping something will have magically appeared after the last door closing.

I don’t believe many people would stand and think, “If only I had the option of watching Gilligan’s Island. Why that was be as satisfying as finding the last slice of cheese cake.”

The portable option. I will never be without Diet Coke again!

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