“You’ve just defeated the Evil Empire. What are you going to do next!?!” “I’m going to that really hot place where you pay a lot of money to stand in line!” “Oh you mean Disneyland?” “That’s what I said.”
I’m sitting in my bed / office typing up some paper
work for my soon to be completed mortgage, and watching Jim Gaffigan’s stand
up.
“So we took our kids to Disneyland. Disneyland for
parents, well, imagine standing in line . . . at the DMV . . . on the sun.” “The
best ride? The air conditioned bus ride back to the hotel.”
I
have spent a disproportional amount of my parenthood plotting Disneyland
avoidance. Unfortunately for me, my extended family loves the Magic Kingdom and
there was a time when we went once a year.
I
can’t say exactly what it is about Disney and Mickey and Cartoon Fairy Tale
Princesses that make my skin crawl and sweat run down my face. There is a component
of an enormous corporate conglomerate espousing to be the standard of family
values. (My mind jumps to Big Oil promoting their excellent job in environmentalism
or Tobacco recruiting physicians to light up. Look! We are the good guys now
give up more of your money!) Doesn’t Disneyland remind of the stories where an idealistic
community is built just to lure naïve travelers into a stew pot where they will
be boiled alive?
Then
there is my irritation at people in general and a low tolerance for standing in
line or spending all day at an activity that is mind-numbingly boring while
paying a ridiculous sum for the privilege to do so. Compile that with the simple minded, anorexic,
role models for little girls and I think you get my meaning.
And
now, as if they hadn’t seeped into enough aspects of life, they are attempting
to acquire all other aspects of entertainment. Then they slap on mouse ears and
have teenagers walk around the park dressed as characters that were once
powerful, complex or at least creative and are now just pathetic.
So
let us see Dr. Seuss, The Muppets, Marvel Comics and Star Wars all plasticized.
They even applied to trademark “Seal Team Six.” (The special-forces group responsible
for taking out Ben Laden.) So now there will be elite forces repelling down the
facade of the castle? Will they do a little song and dance when they hit the ground
or perhaps a Vaudeville sketch? Will that become part of the Seals official
training?
What’s
next? The US senate? Actually, in that case, plasticized ridiculous may be an
improvement. What else? A copy-write to the Bible? The seven dwarfs can act out
Moses and the parting of the red sea? Perhaps they will buy all of Spain or the
right to package all cheese products in the US.
Then
there is the entire line of Disney themed events including wedding and,
probably not as popular, funerals.
How about a Disney themed Church service? Combine
two things I have no tolerance for but I’ll bet it would increase church
attendance. “Your church may have pot lucks and an awesome gym but I bet you
don’t have the Ten Commandments Disney boat ride. Come on over and bring the kids. Mickey is
going to talk about eternal damnation.”
So
far, in two of my jobs, we’ve had a presentation involving the Disney Institute.
(The business aspect of Disney that has built a mini empire telling other businesses
what they are doing wrong.) At least on this point I can’t argue. Disney has a marketing machine and business structure
that have made the upper Disney echelon a boat load of money.
You know that game little girls play? What princess would you be? For me, that’s easy, Ursula the Sea Witch. Be a female that can kick some butt instead of wating around sitting on one.
At
least they haven’t ruined Harry Potter yet.
Oh wait, Universal took care of that.
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