Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Last of the Demonic Cell Phone

(I should probably say the last intended post but I’ll tell you what, if it starts shooting flames and making actual calls to the underworld I’ll have to rethink that.)

It took some time and lots of prompting from my kids before I started utilizing the capabilities of my phone.  Why look! It’s a tiny movie theater, tour guide, photo lab, news stand, television set, book store, post office, bank teller, stock broker, emergency respondent, personal secretary, gateway to global shopping, compass, calendar, clock and a night light! All right there in the palm of my hand and really, what else could stop me from world domination?

Of the few things that my phone cannot do (swim across the English Channel, find its way home responsibly after a night at the convenience store or be safely in the “on” position while in a landing airplane) the least functional is its inability to be used as an actual telephonic device. 

My calls go like this: Ring. Connect. Hello? Then  a few words later, in a rapid sequence; mute and hold and dial someone else and unmute and voice mail and back to line one and disconnect and random dial and mute and black screen and screen on but buttons unresponsive while it continues to dial someone in India. Then I jam down the power button and make it sit in the bottom of my purse while it thinks about the consequences of its actions.

A little creepy right? Well, I decide it must be my inevitable contact with the screen while I hold the phone to my ear. So I started using the speaker feature and avoiding all direct physical contact. Nope. With no observable stimulus, rapid and random flashes of functions and I end up forcibly disconnecting someone from Beijing. 

On to a few weeks ago and evidentially, it now has the first bloom of self-autonomy. It will rest calmly on the table, feet away from any living presence (at least any visible living presence) and suddenly it is arranging for a parent teacher conference or checking out the local movie times or, my favorite, contacting my ex-husband.

Then, because of its growing cognizance, it realizes I am listening for the misbehavior of outgoing calls. It will play the incoming ring tone while actively calling out leading to a hilarious misunderstanding of who is calling and whom. Creepier and Creepier.

The latest behavior in self-exploration is sending out texts and emails to people on my contact list. At least I assume it isn’t formulating new phone numbers or emails. The communicative documents are blank, for now, but as soon as it becomes proficient at the camera feature who knows what it will send.


So I called my phone service and demanded immediate disciplinary measures be taken towards my cell phone. They asked me to reset the functioning parameters and observe for the next 24 hours. If after that time, if my vigilance has not expelled the phone demons than I am free to send it in for further observation.

And then what? They have some sort of divine technology representative who can perform and exorcism? I guess while I wait, I’ll just have to hope it isn’t emailing the CIA or the IRS with derogatory statements about their mothers.

No comments :