(I
should probably say the last intended post but I’ll tell you what, if it starts
shooting flames and making actual calls to the underworld I’ll have to rethink
that.)
It
took some time and lots of prompting from my kids before I started utilizing
the capabilities of my phone. Why look!
It’s a tiny movie theater, tour guide, photo lab, news stand, television set,
book store, post office, bank teller, stock broker, emergency respondent,
personal secretary, gateway to global shopping, compass, calendar, clock and a
night light! All right there in the palm of my hand and really, what else could
stop me from world domination?
Of
the few things that my phone cannot do (swim across the English Channel, find
its way home responsibly after a night at the convenience store or be safely in
the “on” position while in a landing airplane) the least functional is its
inability to be used as an actual telephonic device.
My
calls go like this: Ring. Connect. Hello? Then
a few words later, in a rapid sequence; mute and hold and dial someone
else and unmute and voice mail and back to line one and disconnect and random
dial and mute and black screen and screen on but buttons unresponsive while it
continues to dial someone in India. Then I jam down the power button and make
it sit in the bottom of my purse while it thinks about the consequences of its
actions.
A
little creepy right? Well, I decide it must be my inevitable contact with the
screen while I hold the phone to my ear. So I started using the speaker feature
and avoiding all direct physical contact. Nope. With no observable stimulus,
rapid and random flashes of functions and I end up forcibly disconnecting
someone from Beijing.
On
to a few weeks ago and evidentially, it now has the first bloom of
self-autonomy. It will rest calmly on the table, feet away from any living
presence (at least any visible living presence) and suddenly it is arranging
for a parent teacher conference or checking out the local movie times or, my
favorite, contacting my ex-husband.
Then,
because of its growing cognizance, it realizes I am listening for the
misbehavior of outgoing calls. It will play the incoming ring tone while
actively calling out leading to a hilarious misunderstanding of who is calling
and whom. Creepier and Creepier.
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The
latest behavior in self-exploration is sending out texts and emails to people
on my contact list. At least I assume it isn’t formulating new phone numbers or
emails. The communicative documents are blank, for now, but as soon as it
becomes proficient at the camera feature who knows what it will send.
So
I called my phone service and demanded immediate disciplinary measures be taken towards my
cell phone. They asked me to reset the functioning parameters and observe for
the next 24 hours. If after that time, if my vigilance has not expelled the phone
demons than I am free to send it in for further observation.
And
then what? They have some sort of divine technology representative who can
perform and exorcism? I guess while I wait, I’ll just have to hope it isn’t
emailing the CIA or the IRS with derogatory statements about their mothers.
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