Sunday, February 24, 2013

A Tragic Love Story

You may be wondering why a post for Dr. Pepper has Diet Coke images.  Ah grasshopper, wait and I will tell you how Dr. Pepper love became Diet Coke love (with no inpatient intervention, electronic aversion therapy or deprogramming.)

 "The only way that I could figure they could improved upon Coca-Cola, one the life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put run or bourbon on it."  Lewis Gizzard.  

As a teenager, I loved Dr. Pepper. My best friend’s mom always had Dr. Pepper and Top Romen noodles. I didn’t realize this, but at her house, she was strapped for cash and that was about it on the grocery list.
While, at my house, we had a food pantry with loads of processed, canned stuff. (For some reason, we always had Vienna sausages and mandarin oranges. I have no idea why that was the food option of choice for my mom.)

“Without a Coca-Cola life is unthinkable.” Henry Miller The Air-Conditioned Nightmare

However, my parents took the Mormon condemnation of “strong drink” to mean the recently interpreted definition of caffeinated beverages so no cola type products for us. I would fight to have lunch at my friend’s house, Dr. Pepper trumping all other consumptive options and she would fight to have lunch at my house because there was some variety.

“Sailin’ ‘round the world in a dirty gondola. Oh, to be back in the land of Coca-Cola!”Bob Dylan When I Paint My Masterpiece

Soon after I graduated high school, two things happened to further my Pepper love.  My parents decided that caffeinated soda was not a gateway drug to coffee and 7-Elven's big gulp option became prevalent. I was in Dr. Pepper Nirvana!

Coke trivia - Coke is the most recognized trade mark around When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like “Coca-Cola” when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was “Bite the wax tadpole”. It did not sell well. The name was changed to "Make mouth happy". Who am I to argue with most of the world's population?

Even when we did the soda experiment in school and left a tooth in a cop of soda to see how long it would take to dissolve.  Even the physiology lecture explaining the leaching of calcium from my bones was no deterrent.  Health be dammed! I have Pepper!

Coke trivia - Coke was invented by a pharmacist named John Pemberton in 2886 as a medicine for headaches. (And everyone said, "It is jolly well time!")

Then, years later, I made the “health-conscious” choice to switch to diet. The big switch. You, who have done this, know of what I speak. But I couldn’t handle Diet Dr. Pepper. Too much of a tease, when I’m expecting cherry-like, cola-ey, over the top sweetness. (Well you describe how Dr. Pepper tastes.) So I left the Dr. Pepper family and went with Diet Coke (with lemon or, if you have it lime, please.)

"There are now more obese people in the Untied Sates than there are overweight people.  I think it's sate to say that Diet Coke is a complete failure."  Jay Leno  

Fascinating story you say. Please tell me more! Well, as it turns out, the Cola industry has lied to us. Yes it is true!! Weekly, I get a call from my mother saying this researchers from the University of Prestigious has made mice, weighing 1000 times normal mice weight, die from Diet Coke inhalation. And then that researcher from the University of High Esteem has made 12, normal appearing, third world orphans go completely bananas just by viewing images of Diet Coke.

Coke Trivia - A bottle of Coca-Cola has a PH scale of 2.8, and could dissolve a nail in just 4 days.  It also a great cleaning agent and degreaser.


So yes, I will have no one structure to hold up my extra girth and I will die a blog in a bed but, as it turns out, drinking water, with the fracking, drain off, spillage issues isn’t so great for your either. Nor is breathing. Hook me up to the Diet Coke IV line.

"Our bodies are no the same as Coke cans." Dr. Arthur Caplan. (Well they should be.)

Eventually, we will find that, like the Tobacco company, the Coke industry has purposely manipulated the quantity and addictive qualities of their product. As innocent victims of marketing and product manipulation, we will be entitled to financial compensation, probably in the amount of $200. Plenty to live on as a blob in bed.

Coke Trivia - Initially, coke only sold 9 glasses a day, until everyone got addicted to the Cocaine.  Amazing how that works.  I think they might have snuck some back in.

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