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Sunday, May 21, 2017

Classified

Classified ads that needed an editor. 


Will the person who got hit in the head with a tomato in the 1950's please contact me. 

Pizza Cook wanted. Qualifications: Not be a crybaby, Masters in Shut Your Mouth, Have a clue, Able to read your schedule. 


Saw you at Tiki books. You grabbed my butt and I told you if you ever did it again I would kill you. You did. I need your address. 

Looking for yard help. Must have own hula hoop.



Want a free babysitter for a night out? I'm in big trouble for missing my curfew. Parents making me provide 30 hours of free babysitting. My pain is your gain. 


Wanted: part time sales person who will not quit after 2 months, who doesn't think she is doing me a favor by working here, who can take a joke and won't cry everyday on the floor. 

Magical piece of driftwood. Unknown origin. $8,997 or OBO. Will consider trade for boat. 


Help Wanted: Must know your shit.

Tombstone: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady. 


For Sale: Fork, mangled, 50 cents, also selling garbage disposal. Used once. Repair required.

Pony for sale. Looks like a small horse. 



Honda CBR for sale. Fully sick and does the mad skids, can easily outrun the cops and has done so on many occasions. 

Surgeon wanted for new clinic. No experience necessary. Must have own tools. 



Baby Sitter: 
Friendly, responsible and well-presented. 
43 yrs old, new to the area. 
12 years experience babysitting children of the other inmates. 
Available outside of the regular pub hours. 
I have basic "literasy" skills. 
Personal Hygiene upon request. 
I have basic first aid with reliable access to pharmaceuticals. 
I can put any child sleep.  


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