Thursday, April 20, 2017

Military Intelligence

Military intelligence is an oxymoron. 
Military Intelligence Service Bulletin. War department Washington DC. Oct 1944. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine. - Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook
Military Manuals. A Functional Glossery of Ice Terminology. US Navy Hydrographic Office. 1960. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

A few witty bits of wisdom, gleaned from the internet and reported to be from various military manuals. 
Simple Sabotage Field Manual. Strategic Services. Declassified 1963. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

Even if not found in official military instruction, considering the current state of affairs, could we do worse? 
Military Manual FM 33-5 1949. Restricted matter. Psychologial Warefare in the Combat Operations. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. 
Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally. - Soviet infantry manual 
If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush. - Infantry Journal
Military Manuals Operations 1939 Not to be taken into front line trenches. Not to be printed. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

Incoming fire has the right of way. 
Many people on YouTube do the most riskiest of things and have a video camera recording in the background. If the people get angry, they simply respond: 'Its a prank' and the person forgives them because a video is being recorded. So long as you don't look or act like a Muslim, you can get away with anything with just a video camera and the excuse a crime being a 'Prank'! Remember this. - How to Survive in the West, published by The Islamic State 
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Military Manuals EM-2 WWII Donald Duck War Propaganda. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

Friendly fire - isn't.
The British don’t know how to make a good cup of coffee. You don’t know how to make a good cup of tea. It’s an even swap. - Instructions for American Servicemen in Britain, 1942 
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
Australian Military Forece. Army Cooking Manual 1944. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

MILITARY SPECIFICATION COOKIES, OATMEAL; AND BROWNIES; CHOCOLATE COVERED
SUPERSEDING MIL-C-44072B
9 December 1987
W/ CHANGE 12 February 2003
3.2.6 Whole eggs, liquid or frozen. 
Whole eggs may be liquid or frozen and shall have been processed and labeled in accordance with the Regulations Governing the Inspection of Eggs and Egg Products (7 CFR Part 59). The whole eggs shall be egg whites and egg yolks in their natural proportions as broken directly from the shell eggs as evidenced by a USDA Egg Products Inspection Certificate. 
For liquid whole eggs, the USDA certificate shall state the date and time of pasteurization. Liquid whole eggs shall be held at a temperature of 400F or lower and shall be held for not more than 72 hours from the time of pasteurization until the start of formulation of the product in which they are used. 
Frozen whole eggs shall be held at 100F or lower and used within 120 days from the date of production. The whole eggs shall be free from off-odors and off-flavors, such as sulfide-like, fruity, sour, musty, or metallic, and shall be free from foreign materials. 
Department of Defense Combat Feeding Directorate:
One thing we like to say is, 'What would happen if you cooked a meal, stored it in a stifling hot warehouse, dropped it out of an airplane, dragged it through the mud, left it out with bugs and vermin, and ate it three years later? 
Military Manual Turkey Management war department education manual em-880, 1944. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com
Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.

If you share this book with others, rename it to something else safe (i.e. How to make cake, or something others will download like - An Islamic Book on Manners) and then zip the file… Always be one step ahead of the enemy through secrecy. - How to Survive in the West, published by The Islamic State  
AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY. - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
Military Manuals EM 42 Roundtaable Series Our Chinese Ally. WWII. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

If the enemy is in range, so are you. - Infantry Journal
A British woman officer or non-commissioned officer can and often does give orders to a man private. The men obey smartly and know it is no shame. - Instructions for American Servicemen in Britain, 1942 
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo. - Infantry Journal 
Military Manual. F 5-31 1956. Use and Intallation of Boobytraps. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

Five second fuses only last three seconds. - Infantry Journal

The British have phrases and colloquialisms of their own that may sound funny to you. You can make just as many boners in their eyes. . . To say: “I look like a bum” is offensive to their ears, for to the British this means that you look like your own backside - Instructions for American Servicemen in Britain, 1942
Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . once. 
War Department Technical Manual TM 37-309 1944. Typewritter Maintenance Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do. 
It's important to note that during this time period, if you ever got caught. Do NOT make it clear you were stealing to support an Islamic group. - How to Survive in the West, published by The Islamic State 
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. - Infantry Journal
A Treatise of Hygiene. Special Reference to The Military Service 1863. Hammond MD. Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons. - Russian military doctrine.  
Don’t be misled by the British tendency to be soft-spoken and polite. . .  The English language didn’t spread across the oceans and over the mountains and jungles and swamps of the world because these people were panty-waists. - Instructions for American Servicemen in Britain, 1942 
If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up. - USAF Ammo Troop
Training Division, WWII Military Manuals Don't kill your friends Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION. - Joe Gay
A Treatise of Military Discipline. The duty of the officer and soldier. c 1700s Military intelligence is an oxymoron and other stories of Military Intelligence marchmatron.com

CONPLAN 8888
"COUNTER-ZOMBIE DOMINANCE"  
30 APR 2011(U) CONPLAN 8888 DISCLAIMER:
This plan was not actually designed as a joke.(U) PURPOSE
2. (U) Purpose: This plan fulfills fictional Contingency Planning Guidance (CPG) tasking for USSTRA TCOM to develop a comprehensive JOPES Level 3 plan to undertake military operations to preserve "non-zombie" humans from the threats posed by a zombie horde.(U) CONDITIONS FOR IMPLEMENTATION
5. (U) Conditions for Implementation
Zombies are horribly dangerous to all human life and zombie infections have the potential to seriously undermine national security and economic activities that sustain our way of life. (U) ZOMBIE THREAT SUMMARY
i. (U) Pathogenic Zombies (PZ): 1. (U) PZ's are zombie life forms created after an organism is infected by a virus or bacteria or some other form of contagion
ii. (U) Radiation Zombies (RZ): 1. (U) RZ's are zombie life forms created after an organism is infected by a extreme dosage of electromagnetic and/or particle radiation
iii. (U) Evil Magic Zombies (EMZ): 1. (U) EMZ's are zombie life forms created via some form of occult experimentation in what might otherwise be referred to as "evil magic"
iv. (U) Space Zombies (SZ): 1. (U) SZ's are zombie life forms originating from space or created by toxic contamination of the earth environment via some form of extra-terrestrial toxin or radiation
2. (U) "Zombie satellites" can be classified as SZ's, however they pose no danger to humans (unless they conduct an unplanned de-orbit).
v. (U) Weaponized Zombies (WZ): 1. (U) WZ's are zombie life forms deliberately created via bio/bio-mechanical engineering for the purpose of being employed as weapons. Zombie weaponization programs and supporting infrastructures are included in COAs to deal with these threats.
vi (U) Symbiant-Induced Zombies (SIZ):I. (U ) SIZ's are zombie life forms originating from the introduction of a symbiant life form into an otherwise healthy host.
vii . (U) Vegetarian Zombies (VZ): I. (U) VZ's are zombie life forms originating from any cause but pose no direct threat to humans because they only eat plant life.  Although VZ's do not attack humans or other animal life, they will consume all plant life in front of them.
viii. (U) Chicken Zombies (CZ): I. (U) Although it sounds ridiculous, this is actually the only proven class of zombie that actually exists.
(U) LEGAL CONSIDERATIONS
There are almost no restrictions on hostile actions that may be taken either defensively or offensively against pathogenic life forms, organic-robotic entities, or "traditional" zombies. 9. (U) Assumptions.
i. (U) The Chaplain Corps may provide the only viable means of combating EMZs. As such, atheists could be particularly vulnerable to EMZ threats. I. (U) Marketing materials for most hand sanitizer products indicate the product kills 99% of all germs. Although none of these products has ever indicated any efficacy against biohazard level 4 pathogens like ebola, it is entirely possible that such products could limit or delay the spread of pathogen based zombieism if properly employed.
DECISIVE POINTS/CRITICAL CAPABILITIES(CCs)
3. (U) Decisive Points (DPs)/Critical Capabilities (CCs)
ii. (U) CC #2- Law Enforcement Infrastructure: Zombie interactions will elicit call outs for law enforcement forces who will likely become casualties as a result of insufficient training/equipment for zombie threats. Humans fearing zombies are likely to raid police stations, National Guard Armories and other sporting goods stores in an attempt to arm themselves.
DECISIVE POINTS/CRITICAL VULNERABILITIES (CV)
i. (U) CV #1 - Individual Health Humans (IHH) must not be allowed to "go back for" family, friends, or other personnel who cannot get away from zombies quickly enough. All IHHs who fall behind must be left behind. Such decisions are abhorrent to normal IHHs and military and LE personnel protecting them must rigidly enforce such restraint.
#Military #WWII #War #Zombie

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Other stories of  Military Intelligence:

Who is Murphy www.marchmatron.com/2017/10/who-is-murphy.html
Who is Murphy

Competition of Incompetence www.marchmatron.com/2017/10/competition-of-incompetence.html
Competition of Incompetence

contingency plan www.marchmatron.com/2017/04/contingency-plan.html
Contingency Plan

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