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Sunday, December 25, 2016

Well That's Ambitious

The Belle of New York Rings in the New Year

Three days before January 1st, I become disproportionally optimistic . . . 


and in that state of semi-delusion (or possibly complete delusion) I resolve to lose half of my body weight, solve global inequity, and clean out the garage. 


This year I will (in all probability) lose and regain the same 8 pounds half a dozen times, remember to put on sunscreen one third of the time I need to . . . 


and with divine intervention, 


I will find this year marginally less horrible than the year before. 


Unlikely as that would take considerable divinity.

Clara Bow 1928

A few of the best New Year's Resolutions plucked from the internet ether:

I will stop pretending that’s it’s not time to take out the garbage by repeatedly smashing the trash with my arms.

I will drive by the fitness center at least once a week to pay my respects.

I will be the kind of boy Beyoncé would be proud of.



This year I bought a treadmill because my New Year’s resolution is to have more things to put my laundry on.

I will read the manual . . . just as soon as I can find it.

I will plug USB in right way first time.



I will just put on gym clothes and see what happens.

I already broke my New Years resolution not to take the Lords name in vain while rummaging thru my ex-girlfriends garbage.

I will incorporate "I don't roll that way" into at least one conversation a week.


I will get around to solving the Zodiac murders.

I will never eat anything bigger than my head at one sitting.

My wife just googled "how to make your own coffee creamer" so I guess our resolution is to save $4 and not like coffee.


I will not be arrested again while in view of my neighbors.

I will learn how to pronounce Worcestershire.

I will get blocked on Twitter by Ann Coulter.


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