Sunday, May 1, 2016

All That Glitters

Teaching elementary school per my sister:


Discussing our class Valentines Day party with my go to mom (this is her third kid that I've taught). I stupidly bring up glitter. She looks me dead in the eye and responds . . . 


"My husband thinks glitter is the herpes of the craft world. I know you. You can't handle glitter."


I think I can verify the connection of annoying reflective particles and wanton sexual behavior . . .

but you have to follow along because Lord knows I am incapable of being focused or concise. 

A long, long time ago, people looked around and said, "Oh! Shiny stuff!"


Before metallurgy and smelting, people added mica flakes to cave paintings and powdered iridescent beetles shells (along with other beetles parts, because shelling beetles wasn't going to happen) to early cosmetics.


"Anyone can wear glitter, even a woman in her 60s. It's all about techniques. It just adds this magical element to your makeup." - Michelle Phan, make-up demonstrator, entrepreneur and YouTube personality.


WWII interrupted glitter manufacturing after German glitter, made from glass, was not a priority. Americans changed to plastic glitter and started developing a plan to dump ton of the stuff on Germany. 

Seriously. 


The intent was to cover enough area that the German military complex would be interrupted, as well as fabulous.


Glitter has been useful in solving crimes and cited in criminal justice, including murder trials. 

Yes. 
Seriously! 

Per CSI and actual actual investigators who are not portrayed on TV, ideal forensic evidence should:


1 - Be available in enough abundance that a victim or perpetrator may have come in contact with it . . . 

10 million pounds of glitter were sold in 1989 to 2009 making glitter infection prior to a crime feasible. 


2 - Have unique characteristics that provided compelling evidence . . .

Coming in 20,000 varieties, identical glitter found at the scene of a crime and also linked to subject is a possible indication of connection or a love of local crafting.


3 - Easily transferred without being easily removed . . .

Glitter particles are tiny, readily become airborne, cling to almost everything and in small quantities are often unnoticed, all the characteristics that make them ideal for political revolt. 


"Anytime you get men in glitter, it's a flamboyant occasion!" - Johnny Weir


Anita Bryant of the "save our children from the homosexuals" fame, received a fruit pie to the face in 1977. 


Fruit pies, being somewhat difficult to conceal, were replaced in 2011 by public glitter bombs, starting with the most beloved and righteous Newt Gingrich. 


"The strength of glitter is that humor is an incredibly powerful tool for communicating a message - even a deadly serious one." - Nick Espinosa, political activist and glitter enthusiast 


Michele Bachmann, Karl Rove, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, and other haters of rights and fabulousness, have been glittered and some more than once.

Mitt Romney, unable to distinguish glitter versus confetti, was hit during the presidential trail. The glitterer was charged with creating a disturbance, throwing a missile and an unlawful act on school property. 


The Secret Service can neither confirm or deny that glitter bombing as a pressing problem. 

Seriously. 
They can do neither.


Personalized glitter bombs sent through the mail are also a thing. As one Australian company promises, 
"For a paltry $9.99 Australian dollars, you can mail a 'vomit up a tonne of glitter', glitter bomb."


At the end of the opening week, the founder reported, "Over 2,000 of the world's brightest people have spent money on this service. It's good for business, but bad for society."

As a side note, if displeasure requires additional inconvenience, another company also offers a "Box of Annoying Sand."  


I was very happy to know, per the fashion knowers, that, "A delightfully tacky trend has returned to the runway."    


So glitter and herpes? 


Behold, glitter and the unlimited Kardashian need for exhibitory attention. 


Kim Kardashian re her 2007 Playboy shoot: 

"I’m sorry I did Playboy. I was uncomfortable." 

Quoting her mother: "They might never ask you again. Our show isn’t on the air yet. No one knows who you are. Do it and you’ll have these beautiful pictures to look at when you’re my age."


Kim Kardashian, prior to the 2013 birth of baby North West:

"As soon as I pop this thing out, I want to do Playboy or some nude shoot."


Kim Kardashian 2015, made it known she would like to be the last Playboy nude. 


Kris Jenner made it known she would like the daughters and herself to be the last Playboy nudes . . . 


as a family . . . 


But without son Rob. 

Because that would be weird. 


Tragic for the Kardashian publicity machine, the last Playboy nude was Pamela Anderson.  


However, plenty of other glittery nude magazine shoots are still available.


Also, while causality has not been verified, glitter and "leaked" sex tapes may also have a correlation.  


"Some girls are just born with glitter in their veins." - Paris Hilton 

As well as an unrequited deficit in sense of self with a big enough trust fund to prevent trailer park living. 


"All that glitters is not gold." - William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice


But sometimes it is gold and that makes sorting through the other glitter STDs worth it. 


10 year old Jordan, designer of the superhero cyborg glitter-shooting arm. 




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