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Sunday, January 24, 2016

Post-Rapture Post

Having lived in a state where frozen precipitation was a regular occurrence, bargaining with a deity, at least in my vehicle, was not unheard of. 

Post college, I moved to an area out of arctic range but with perpetual gridlock and my verbal requests for divine intervention changed in nature, if not  in frequency. That was well before GPS, texting, the What Would Jesus Drive movement, and imminent threats of rapture leaving unpiloted vehicles to create deadly pileups. 

I haven't tried the commute into San Diego for 25 years but I'm guessing it has't improved. 

I looked through Rapture Ready sites hoping to pass on tips for maneuvering through post End of Days traffic. No such luck but for a small fee I can have notes had-delivered to loved ones who are left behind. Considering that I am not a likely candidate for rapture, I did not find this particularly helpful. 

My fallback is to avoid cars adorned with rapture-likely declarations.

This is where, despite my best attempts at making a clear and thoughtful progression, I've given up. The narrative will have to manage with an awkward transition into winter, mobility, a God like appearance of ignoring physics, and 13th century Lithuania.

Being an access point to the Baltic Sea, Lithuanians had a need to circumvent various invading forces. During the winter, stepping stones were set on the iced over swamps. In warmer weather, the stones would sink below the surface, creating a hidden path between villages and forts.

A fantastically clever idea and I had envisioned villagers rushing across the surface of water, leaving clusters of Teutonic Knights standing dumbfounded on the shore. However, the actual construct isn't nearly that elegant. 

Googling KÅ«lgrinda pulls up photos of modern tourists slogging single file through waste deep mud. Still fantastically clever and like most water-walking stories, facts are less sensational than the embellished end product.

There is a scientific aspect to strolling over fluids, but while the outcome is compelling, the chemical process isn't as interesting.

Regardless of apocalyptical intention, Post-Rapture Post, The Postal Service of the Saved, is absolutely worth a look. Someone you know need this service, or at least believes they need this service!

[Y]ou must be thinking to yourself, "How can the letters be delivered after the Rapture?" The answer is simple. The creators of this site are Atheists. That's right, we don't believe in God. How else would we be able to deliver your correspondence after the Rapture?

[W]hile I don't personally believe, I feel that others may need my services in the event that the impossible happens. Also I need money to support my sinful lifestyle. 

A few of the offerings include: 

"Told You So" Card - $7.99
When herding the flock, sometimes it takes a little tough love. This card tells the recipient in no uncertain terms that he or she should have followed Christ, but they chose not to. Upon seeing the error of their ways, many non-believers will return to the path of righteousness from their lives of sin before the Rapture.

Rapture Survival Guide - $41.99
The coming days and weeks after the Rapture will be a time of Great Tribulation for those left behind. Imagine a guidebook that could be used to navigate through the difficult period before the return of Jesus. One exists. The leatherbound International Bible contains both the Old and New Testaments, and gives guidance and insight into following in the ways of God. Buy now, we are constantly selling out of this item.

Class III Message - $799.99
Our flagship model. Your message of up to 3,000 characters is hand-scribed on medieval style parchment sheets, and then rolled and wrapped with a fine Italian ribbon. The Class III message is delivered immediately after the Rapture, so expect delivery in as little as one day, depending on the transportation options available to those rejected from the Kingdom of God.

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