Friday, July 24, 2015

Big Bawdy Women

A few jokes about women and a few jokes by the big, bawdy women of Burlesque and Vaudeville. 


Anytime you see me with my arms around an old man, I’m holding him for the police. - Moms Mabley (March 19, 1894 – May 23, 1975)


If women ruled the world, there would be no wars, just a bunch of countries not talking to each other. - Chris Rock 


Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. - Mae West (August 17, 1893 - November 22, 1980)


Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.


Ain’t nothing an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young one. - Moms Mabley (March 19, 1894 – May 23, 1975)


Here is all you need to know about men and women: women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. - George Carlin


I've been rich and I've been poor. Rich is better. - Sophie Tucker (January 13, 1887 - February 9, 1966)


I’m not sexist! That’s why I let my female workers work longer than the men so they can make the same money - Al Murray


Love is like a card trick. After you know how it works, it's no fun any more. - Fanny Brice (October 29, 1891 – May 29, 1951)


New Rule, women cannot complain about men anymore until the start getting better taste in them. - Bill Maher


Any woman who can’t say a four-letter word sometimes is deceitful. - Fanny Brice (October 29, 1891 – May 29, 1951)


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


From birth to age 18 a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35 she needs good looks. From 35 to 55 she needs a good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash. - Sophie Tucker (January 13, 1887 - February 9, 1966)


I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her. - Ken Dodd 


[On turning down an invitation to appear for four minutes on the Ed Sullivan Show:] Honey, it takes Moms four minutes just to get on the stage. - Moms Mabley (March 19, 1894 – May 23, 1975)


Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other. - Al Bundy


A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up. - Mae West (August 17, 1893 - November 22, 1980)


Remember women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument. 


Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. - Mae West (August 17, 1893 - November 22, 1980)


Telling a women to calm down works as well as trying to baptize a grumpy cat. - Will Ferrell 


I couldn't make mother understand that it wasn't a career that I was after. It was just that I wanted a life that didn't mean spending most of it at the cookstove and the kitchen sink. - Sophie Tucker (January 13, 1887 - February 9, 1966)


My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat so we compromised and got two cats. 


Wrong is for other people. - Fanny Brice (October 29, 1891 – May 29, 1951)


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. - Red Skelton 


Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. - Mae West (August 17, 1893 - November 22, 1980)


My Favorites: 


I got pulled over by a female police officer. When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong she said "Ugh. Nothing"- Time Ross 


I will never forget it you know. I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie and he said to me, 'Soph, how come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?' I said to him, 'Ernie, you're never around!' - Sophie Tucker (January 13, 1887 - February 9, 1966)


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