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Friday, January 16, 2015

Regroup


After making flurries of commentary on 


the Catch 22 of medical marijuana 


Spite Houses


the poster boy for enormous estate taxes


sugar, cocaine, tobacco and global blackmail 


Pareidolia


why successfully running a gauntlet of dogs and children should be a required step in attaining any political office  

and


The Church of Perpetual Guilt.

Sigh . . .


I decided I needed to regroup. 

So, while I take a moment and engage in some deep breathing, here are 20 very funny parenting tweets, courtesy of Huffington post. 



"Oh! Here my harmonica is!" is the last thing I wanted to hear my 6 year old say this morning.

My kids are carrying spoons and encouraging me to take a nap. Either the apocalypse is near or they found the frosting I hid in the fridge.

Me: Here, put a few carrots on your son's huge plate of pizza. Him: Ah..."parenting."

Me: Want to come to work with me and see what I do all day? 4-year-old: No. I don’t want to be sad.


When one door closes another one opens. Unless it's me closing the bathroom door. Then it's just my kids opening 
the same door.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday? Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug. 4: You told me not to lie.

Props to the moms tailgating before the preschool sing-a-long.

I treated my 3 year old to something other than a plain bagel at the coffee shop & now I'm watching her pick off 3 billion sesame seeds.



3-year-old, dropping marbles on his head: "I’m just taking a shower with my balls.”

90% of parenting is just walking around yelling "WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES? WE'RE ALREADY LATE! FIND YOUR SHOES!"

My 3yo just called from the other room, "Mama? I'm doing something that won't interest you." Any bets?

FIND THAT SMELL - the game where no one wins.



[at the grocery store] 4-year-old: I want cookies. Me: We’re not buying any. 4: *licks Oreo package* Well played.

Feeding my kids cold pizza because some day they will go to college and preparation is the key to success.

I spent 10 mins arguing with my son whether something on the floor was a spider or dust bunny. I lost. Now I have to bury this dust bunny.

Me: "Who should I vote for?" 3yo: "Candy because I like candy.".... and just like that, democracy is explained.



My toddler truly has no idea how difficult it is to take someone seriously when they're wearing nothing but underwear and sparkly shoes.

"It's basically just making endless phone calls you don't wanna make" -- me describing adulthood.

My toddler handed me something and in a creepy voice told me to drink it. I'm fearing for my life.

Twitter is like if kindergarten was a bar.

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