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Sunday, November 2, 2014

No Child Left Behind


After the creepy story post, I realized I haven’t passed on anything from my nephew in awhile. My nephew is a) in mid-adolescence b) a genius c) cynical and sarcastic d) into the macabre AND e) hilarious, so you can see where the creepy story connection is coming from.  Also, a few of these might be repetitious, but can you blame me?


Nephew: Dear whoever stole 100 dollars out of my wallet, I hope you get gonorrhea.
Nephew's Aunt (who is in PA school): Had your money recently participated in unprotected sex with someone complaining of discharge and burning with urination?

Guess who is a student at Weber State? He is the one in the picture that looks really excited.

No child left behind? That's right, because we are all behind together.


Examples the math teacher gives you: 2+3=X

Problems on the math assignment: 32μ¼∛½ - 2488³-(ζ455 x 321)=periwinkle

I can't wait for tomorrow, because the next day is the day before the day that is the day before two days of no school.


Nephews Dad (Photo of nephew and his mom): heading out to his first girls' choice dance.
Nephew: Let me clarify, my mom wasn't my date.

Nephew's Friend: But if it were boys' choice I would have asked your mother.

(Can't blame the friend. My sister is pretty damn cute.)

 

If we came from monkeys why are there still monkeys? If we came from god why is there still god? Oh wait.

I understand religion. That is why I'm not religious.

Thanksgiving selfie because all of the cool girls are doing it.


It bothers me than Snooki's facebook page has more likes than Albert Einstein's.

What happens when you drop acid? You drop the bass! Or base.


Nephew: Reasons I wish I was gay: So I could get married to a guy named Jesus, that way I could say I have a personal relationship with Jesus.

Nephew's Dad: Jesus loves you even though you wish you were gay.

Nephew's Aunt: Maybe if you find a girl that REALLY loves you. She would be willing to change her name to Jesus.

Nephew's Mom: Aren't you supposed to be at school?!

Nephew: Despite article 6 in the federal constitution, atheists cannot hold public office in Arkansas, Mississippi, Texas, Maryland, Tennessee, South Carolina, or Pennsylvania. Well it's not like I would ever want to visit those states anyway.

Nephew's Uncle: Are you running for public office?

Nephew: Well not any more!


My favorite comedian is definitely Bill O'Reilly.

If he were a dinosaur he would be a dipolidicus.


Nephew: So for Christmas I got a computer case that is too small and two incredibly difficult lock puzzles. Luckily the puzzles came with instructions... in Japanese.

Me: Awesome! So how long will it take you to learn Japanese? By next week?

Other Aunt: Success! Santa's work here is done.

So here is what I have learned from world civ. this semester...Genghis Khan was far more civil than the entirety of the Catholic church.

Humanity would be a lot better off if we focused less on how we were created and more on how we are going to be destroyed.

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