Friday, April 18, 2014

Limitations of Skype?

Another gem from Jean, my good friend and fellow sarcastic social worker:

Good Morning! We hope your exorcism was successful last night.  We do ask, as a courtesy to us and the neighbors on this floor, that you limit expelling demons to Friday or Saturday nights.  Thank you in advance. 

From the Scottsdale AZ, January 2014
In the age of electronics, exorcisms are done over Skype.

Oh come on! Skype? Really? Well maybe if it was in conjunction with making a grilled cheese sandwich and having Mary’s likeness appear. 

"It's real," Reverend Bob Larson says. "There would be no reason to theatrically stage this for any reason. Why would anybody do that? I have no idea.”

Let us take a peek at a possible motive for high-tech exorcism. From one of The Reverend’s web sites:  

Demon Proofing Prayers and Demon Possession Test $9.95

And even of test results are inconclusive, it is better to be safe than sorry:
Cross of deliverance $100

If that doesn’t keep you demon free than this will work . . . eventually.
Coaching $99 a week for a 25 minute phone call

$100 here, a couple of Skypes there, and you know they are going to require ongoing maintenance so the sneaky spirits don't climb back.   I think I'm seeing a theme. 

In addition, did you know there is an International School of Exorcism? And, oh my, look at that. The founder for this venue of higher learning is none other than Reverend Bob. 

A few years ago, The Reverend was just on the cusp of greatness. 
Reverend Bob Larson will be doing his damnedest to get rid of the damned on Lifetime.

At the last minute some programming genius decided that aligning the Lifetime channel with exorcism via Skype may not be the way to encourage new viewers.  

Oral Roberts claimed that unless he raised $8 million, God would "call him home."   This leads me to wonder if God would accept a few suggestions on people he could "call home" when they turn up $8 million short. 

Undaunted, the Reverend has found a few new groups to target. 
“Rape victims are highly prone to catching sexually transmitted demons. Not metaphorical demons but genuine soul-dwelling demons.”

All right.  I think we just moved from the ridiculous-but-amusing area to the we-really-aren't-going-to-go-there area. 

As luck would have it, the Reverend’s daughter and her two friends are also skilled in exorcism, a remarkable coincidence.  The have their own website where payment can be taken in exchange for exorcism-type services. 

If you are in need of having demons removed but you believe in the old-fashioned up close and personal approach, fear not because the Reverend is going on tour and will probably be coming to a city near you.  

From browsing through the FAQ posted on The Reverend’s various web sites, my favorite is an inquiry about where the demons are placed post vacating a host.    

“Any place a demon doesn’t want to go is where I send them.”

And let that be a lesson to all you evil spirits on the brink of inhabiting a person.  With Skype as a tool, there aren’t many places where you can posses your host in peace. 

One last thought, religions that involve handling snakes may also benefit from this move to use cutting-edge technology. 

From CNN, February 2014
Pastor Coots, a third-generation serpent handler, followed in his father’s footsteps and died from a snake bite. 

I’m guessing that virtual snake handling will be less risky than actual snake handling, but you never know. 

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