Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Get on the Stick!


 


You know the stick figure family decals that people put on the back of their cars? Of course you do! Every quarter mile you will see at least one happy family, boasting of their heterosexual union, their reproductive success and their children’s athletic ability.    


“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.”   Jeff Foxworthy


 

I’m not sure how much I want to advertise my single mom status, especially after the episode of Dexter where the serial killer reads the names of the stick figure family and lures the son away pretending to know the rest of the family.

You know your family is dysfunctional if:
New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
You finally get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother turns you into the FBI.



 
“The phrase "working mother" is redundant.” Jane Sellman

I do think some of the single parent stick families are hilarious. And heaven knows, any single parent could use something hilarious.
“It’s not easy being a mother.  If it were easy, fathers would do it.”

 Even “party of one” families are pretty funny. 

“A man without a woman is a bachelor.  A woman without a man is a genius.”




I can’t rule out that this is where I am headed after all the girls move, but I’ll have 30 dog
stickers instead of cats.


“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that
will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.”
 
Then there is the opposite issue to single parent status which would be a “one of many” parent status.

“Polygamy: an endeavor to get more out of life than there is in it.” Elbert Hubbard


 But if I’m going to fabricate a family think it should be a gay family as a show of support.

“Gay marriage needs to be legal because everyone would watch gay divorce court.”


 
Speaking of fabricating a family, I think this is also pretty amusing.   

“It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.”  Max Eastman

 

 
Then, trust someone to come up with some over the top funny alternatives.
 
Dr. Ian Malcolm “God creates dinosaurs.  God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs.” 

Dr. Ellie Sattler “Dinosaurs eat man.  Woman inherits the earth.”

Jurassic Park


Gun owners should store a gun in their kids’ room, according to a Home Defense Concepts seminar offered by the National Rifle Association.
 

Finally, I found some figures that have more of a representable quality.  This one needs a change in vices but it’s more accurate than the others.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” Winston Churchill




 
Or this one, and yeah, let’s get some big girl representation out there.

“My fat cells have a memory like Einstein.”  Carnie Wilson






But this family! Star Trek insignia, how awesome is that AND how much would my teens hate it if the nondescript car suddenly became the nerd mobile.


“You are not doing your job right if you don’t embarrass your teenager.”



A more viable alternative?
             

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