Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Legally Challenged




“A nation that cannot control its borders is not a nation.” ― Ronald Reagan

Unless you live in an underground cave or you have no media access because you are being forced to work as a lackey for the Taliban, you know there have been some dust ups over the years about immigration.

 

A few observations, and stolen bits from the late-night talk show circuit, on why we will fail at meaningful immigration reform (and why we unfortunately, fail at most other type of reform):



First, and I know you will be shocked and amazed at such allegations, but congress, will sit on their hands, vote only when they have a big enough financial incentive and blow off their constituents’ wishes knowing they will be voted back into office with their political affiliation countering any bad boy behavior. 

"Our cowardly, idiot Congress left on a two-week spring break. They didn't come to terms with the bill. They left and went on vacation. So apparently, Congress is also on a temporary worker program." -Jay Leno

 

Then when it all goes south, they will pray for a big sex scandal to divert the American public.  Fortunately for the congressional body, one or two of their members, at any given time, seem compelled to share bodily fluids with someone who is not appropriate for congressional bodily fluid sharing.

"Yesterday, General David Piraeus testified before the Senate for 10 hours with just two bathroom breaks. During the same period, Senator Larry Craig took 73 bathroom breaks." --Conan O'Brien




I do have one congressional suggestion.  Of the few times I’ve actually watched congressional debates and hearings, they reminds me of a 6th grade production of Macbeth. Everyone over emoting, and clamoring for the spot light.  Who is the most outraged!?! Who is the most stunned that something so heinous could happen!?!  Two words boys and girls; acting lessons.  At least learn how to appear to be sincere.

“Talk is cheap – except when Congress does it.” –Cullen Hightower

 

Second, the system is broken, the only possibility for implementable change is a wide-ranging overhaul.  Historically, we all know how likely it is to have complete and functional reform of a government system. (No child left behind. Need I say more?)
"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." -Jay Leno

 

The issue is so contested, we are spending time debating what term should be used. On the table so far; Illegal Alien, Undocumented Worker, Day Laborers, Out of Status, or the new journalistic required “living in or entering a country without legal permission.” I say we use “legally challenged border crossers.”

"This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.'" --Jay Leno

 

Even if a politically correct term is found, No one is going to head up that career killing nightmare. I think most people would agree (and if you don’t then I would like to suggest a quick google search of all the bastards who have voted against term limits) the number one goal of a congressman is to remain a congressman until retirement into the lobby industry is assured or until he keels over on the congressional floor from a massive heart attack.

 "Proponents of this amnesty program for illegal immigrants say they are willing to take on jobs American are not willing to do. You know, like come up with an immigration policy." -Jay Leno



Third, it’s evident that the proffered solutions are being made by people who don’t have a clue about the current situation. Sadly, there doesn’t appear to be any expansion in knowledge on the congressional horizon. So, even if a solutions is passed, it will most likely combine two of congresses favorite things, an insane amount of money and a complete lack of functionality.
        
"The Mexican border will now have surveillance cameras and motion detectors. Our borders will be as secure as The Gap." --David Letterman

 
I also like the round-them-all-up, get a big white bus and deposit everyone on the other side of the river. Showed them! I bet they never, never try this again.
“Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno


 
My favorite solution? I bet you can guess.

"Immigration is the big issue right now. Earlier today, the Senate voted to build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. ... Experts say a 370-mile fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles long." --Conan O'Brien 

So, I guess the message is 'go around.” --Jimmy Kimmel

 

Fourth, the incentive to cross the border is relatively high and the consequences of being caught are relatively low. I would guess most people, aside from our fantastic leaders in DC, can do the math on this one. As long as these two factors are in play, border patrol will be maxed out slapping on band aids and then re-slapping on band aids.
 
“There’s not even a punishment.  We catch illegal immigrants and send them back to their country of origin. . .(We should) send them to different countries". --Carlos Mencia 

Where are you from?” “Ecuador.” “Well I think we will give you a ride to Guatemala. You’ll love it there.”


 

In addition, the implicit invitation by several American industries to “Come on over ya’ all.” has certainly opened side doors to border crosses. Or, at the very least has pressured Congress to continue its marathon of hand sitting. Then there is the whole drug-running, gun-misplacing, civilian-killing debacle with strange bedfellows. And we had another round of 6th grade Macbeth and a return to hand sitting. 

“AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.” -- Ambrose Bierce
 


So here is my thought, I’m going to be the one immigrating.


"The worst of all worlds is when you pretend you have and immigration policy, you make coming into the US without our permission illegal, and then you don't a enforce it." - - Tom Tancredo
 


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