Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Smoking, the Best Christmas Present

My mom has an “avoid consumption of anything unhealthy” philosophy. I mean the woman grew her own bean sprouts!! She would eat slices of tofu when tofu wasn’t just weird, it was really, really weird. She especially hates liquor and cigarettes. So, I’ve been suggesting that, for her Christmas present, her kids should all start smoking.
Now hear me out. First, big tobacco is really taking a hit. If they can’t make an obscene amount of money then where is the poor peoples’ money going to trickle down from?
Second, well look who recommends smoking! Would Santa or Ronal Reagan lie about something like that? On Christmas?
Third, we are missing out on all the smoking health benefits including a cure for asthma, hay fever and bad breath just to name a few. (That smokers’ breath is awesome!)
Fourth, obviously it’s a sure fire way to get slim, not that my sisters are in need, but my child bearing hips could use a little less girth. It is a well-known fact that no fat people smoke.
Fifth, it is the primary way for a modern women to proclaim her independence and equality.
Finally, it will give my mom a hot topic to debate with righteous indignation for years to come.
The one flaw? I think there is some law that if you reach 40 without smoking it is too late to pick it up.

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